Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
Seriously, I don't need a gun. I'm easily annoyed. I would shoot people in my house that I invited over.
The first time onstage, a light went on. 'OK, this is my thing. I'm comfortable here. This is my thing.'
I was a strange kid in that, while most kids hate school and want to turn 18 or 21, I loved high school.
You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.
Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.
I can't think of another place other than TV where a five-person sketch comedy group could make a living.
My parents are very cool and wildly supportive - maybe almost too much. I want to tell them to chill out.
The horrible truth is that I am lazy and I am going to write and do bits that just hand themselves to me.
There are atheists and Christians, and there are people in both groups who are a little too heavy-handed.
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.
There's got to be structure and great comedy. When you start with that, everything else falls into place.
Travel books are, by and large, boring. They lodge uncomfortably between fact, fiction and autobiography.
To live in Australia permanently is rather like going to a party and dancing all night with one's mother.
I like people who are slightly unhygienic. A little grubbiness isn't so bad. BO chic it should be called.
All men in their 40s want to be in rock bands, and I reserve the right to be in a pub band at some point.
Everyone should just drive out to the Mojave Desert and just experience it, and it's a fun place to live.
If the audience knows you can be funny when you want to be, they will be willing to wait for that payoff.
Space tourism is God's way of telling you you aren't spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine.
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
Award shows are fun, but completely arbitrary and absurd. And yet, I will watch every single one of them.
I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.
A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.
The beauty of comedy is, when people come to a comedy club, there is a certain veil of reality suspended.
There are so many opportunities that I could've gotten before if I had just took a little more of a risk.
I think racism is a terrible thing. I think we should all learn to hate each other on a individual basis.
If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.
My position as the best-selling author at E! is secure - unless Salman Rushdie develops a show with them.
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"
Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.
Some struggle is healthy. If you can embrace it rather than be angry, you can use it as your pilot light.
We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.
I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.
I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler.
If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.
I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.
Sex is great, but when you get to be my age, you've got to pace it a little bit. Otherwise you get tired.
There's a difference between an actual insult and a friendly jab. So I don't think I'm offensive onstage.