Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.
Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.
Like, I feel like I'm funny, despite the fact that I keep getting rejected by people less funny than me.
That, to me, is what comedy is all about: keeping fresh and keeping current and changing with the times.
The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.
Our passions may be compared to certain slaves--the more severity we show them, the better they obey us.
Appurv Gupta brings you a unique point of view that no other comedian in India does. Well worth a watch.
When I started stand-up, the people I admired most were the people who were the most themselves onstage.
When the response to comedy becomes cheering instead of laughing, that is so irritating. It's the worst.
I think, in a way, the stand-up prepped me for the improv, because I do a lot of riffing in my stand-up.
Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not.
Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
You'd think when you saw my old MTV stuff that I was always drunk and high and all that stuff. I wasn't.
When I grew up, my model of God was like a lifeguard: I knew He loved me, but He blew his whistle a lot.
King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, Forget the alimony, I've got a better idea. Never got a dinner!
The Invisible Man, who said to his wife, I don't care if it looks silly, don't stop! Never got a dinner!
Sonny Von Bulow, who said to her husband Claus on their honeymoon, Stop needling me. Never got a dinner!
Science gives you an understanding of the physical world, and it increases the capacity for fascination.
I think people have the capacity to be many different things and many seemingly contradictory behaviors.
In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.
Unfortunately, the show's success comes at the expense of its biggest asset -- the comedians themselves.
I had a very happy childhood, happy teenage years and I was famous by the time I was 22. A charmed life.
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".
My childhood was as heavily gendered as any you would find in a working-class household in Lincolnshire.
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
I can't do anything too serious like Saddam Hussein, but I would like to do Bill Clinton. That'd be fun.
You must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from the idea that people are watching you.
When I was growing up, I thought I'd be a lot happier if I was famous and successful and if I had money.
When I was 17, I read a profile of Carol Leifer. Since then, I wanted to be her. I still want to be her.
By the time I would have graduated, at 22, I was a writer and featured performer on Saturday Night Live.
If you are truly offended by an 80-year-old man saying you're not funny, then you're probably not funny.
I don't think it's any secret that the bigger the venue, the subtlety and artfulness of comedy declines.
People are uncomfortable about disability, and so interactions can become unintentionally uncomfortable.
It only takes a room of Americans for the English and Australians to realise how much we have in common.
If you go looking for loonies and religious fanatics and dropouts and freaks, I dare say you'll find it.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Let's face it: I'm not a looker. I'm a scruff. But I have embraced my scruffiness. We're happy together.
I spend a lot of time thinking of the Hereafter - each time I enter a room I wonder what I'm here after.
Because I'm on my own on stage and wear bare feet and look like a pixie, people always think I'm little.
The thing I love about my career is the variety and that people can't predict what I'm going to do next.
Just because you're right-wing shouldn't mean you don't believe climate science data. They're unrelated.
We were so poor we had no hot water. But it didn't matter because we had no bathtub to put it in anyway.
Any excuse to live in New York and do art. Has to be one of the most rewarding experiences in the world.
Well I don't know, I might have lost my citizenship, I don't think you can lose your citizenship though.
I always sit in the back of a plane. It's much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!
I'd like to continue doing movies, clubs, concert halls and television. I like something about each one.
[My mother] wanted to go as deep as possible into the world of religion. And that took her into Judaism.