Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.
They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.
By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.
I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn't observe anything, and I left.
The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
You feel completely in control when you hear a wave of laughter coming back at you that you have caused.
Does that really work, converting someone with a bumper sticker? How weak of a mind do you have to have?
[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.
There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I firmly believe in standing by what you are. I was never taught to dim my light to pacify other people.
Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere
I don't like comedians who don't have conviction, and with stand-up, it is always best to have an angle.
When you fix something with your hands it gives you a sense of accomplishment and a sense of self worth.
Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate.
If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.
I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.
You might be a redneck if you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You might be a redneck if your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
I want to know why the government of this country can't take care of the people who are keeping us safe?
The hardest thing in comedy is to have the biggest laugh at the end, and it’s the most satisfying thing.
Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.
I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been raised with.
Here's the rule of thumb: When the entire family looks like the unibomber, they're against gay marriage.
If I leave the mike in the stand, my hands absolutely move more. I'm not sure if it's a conscious thing.
All I ever wanted to do was bit parts on Broadway. I have more than achieved any goal that I aspired to.
Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.
Why do fools fall in love? I'll tell you why, because everybody else has simply got too much else to do.
The public has always had affection for gay entertainers. The time was right for an out gay entertainer.
It's so much harder to make a living off improv. Improv is so rarified and for such a specific audience.
I was 38 when 'Not Going Out' began, and I was playing a 34-year-old who had a thing about his landlady.
I never have fixed subjects that I discuss on stage. I never go on with any particular subjects in mind.
My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.
I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.
My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.
When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.
I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'
Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff.
A lot of the actresses who were around when I started, I don't know where they are. Comics stick around.
As a Middle Eastern male, when you're in a Chuck Norris movie of the week, you know you're going to die.
The characters that I have on Twitter have very little resemblance to me, the person who's writing them.
I mistrust total competence. I've always felt life is a series of small disasters we try to get through.
I will say what I aspire to is a consistency in making films, to direct something every couple of years.
I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.
When I was in college, I wanted to write for 'Late Night With Conan O'Brien,' and I was an intern there.
When you're in high school, you can't even imagine the concept of what the rest of your life even means.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.