Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm a California Angels fan because that's the first game my dad took me to see, and they stuck with me.
I'm just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious.
We are losing the 'War on Drugs,' which means there's a war going on and people on drugs are winning it.
you know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time.... husband!!!
Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
Award shows are fun but completely arbitrary and absurd. And yet, I will watch every single one of them.
I would never be a contestant on my own show. I would never speak to me, and I'd never sign the release.
I don't want to do something that's watered down. I don't want to take what I'm known for and dilute it.
I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do?
I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted.
When women can't climax, it's our fault, but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.
When I was born, I was given to my uncle and aunt to raise as their kid because they couldn't have kids.
I lied on my Weight Watchers list. I put down that I had 3 eggs... but they were Cadbury chocolate eggs.
I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.
I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
That just sends the wrong message to everybody. [Donald Trump] should have the least amount of air time.
When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative.
Pimp stands for Positive Intellectual Motivated Person. It has nothing to do with selling sex for money.
I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.
I love movies; many an afternoon skipping school were spent in a funky, run-down Brooklyn movie theater.
Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.
Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?
I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?
Every black American is bilingual. All of them. We speak street vernacular and we speak 'job interview.'
Comedians by and large are some of the most sensitive people on earth. Even if they're socially callous.
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?
Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!
If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.
It's wrong to discriminate based on skin color when there are so many other reasons not to like someone.
A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George.
Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it's a sport.
The jelly-bean eating thug says that national defense is important. But national defense starts at home.
I consider myself always a humorist. And I think anybody who tells jokes or makes people laugh is humor.
No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.
Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?
When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'.
A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.
I'm sure there's somebody out there who doesn't like Betty White because she's short and has white hair.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours.
They're a typical Hollywood audience. All the kids are on drugs and all the adults are on roller skates.
Americans like to think 'Python' is how English people really are. There is an element of truth to that.
Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone.
The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?