Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
Who amongst us doesn't want to be a hero?
In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
There's nothing sexy about Orange County.
In Soviet Russia, party always finds you!
I've always boxed, I always taught boxing.
Jealousy is the worst trait in any person.
The sun in my life, it is gone, it is gone
I had no blood relatives till I made some.
Banter is a great way of breaking the ice.
I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
When you become senile, you won't know it.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight.
The average person has one Fallopian tube.
I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.
When life gets you down, make a comforter!
I'm a charming coward; I fight with words.
If you aren't laughing, you aren't living!
Rich white guys. That's the true minority.
Rats are just Ziploc bags full of disease.
There are bits of me in all my characters.
Comedy is a group activity, a verbal orgy.
You got a gun, you don't have to work out.
The Thought Police: To censor and protect.
If the shoe fits, it is probably worn out.
There's estrogen running through my veins!
It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!
You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
All human life can be found in an airport.
Vampires probably don't have great breath.
This is a pie chart about procrastination.
Sometimes you just have the thin the herd.
I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG!
There's still a lot of racism in stand-up.
As long as you're working, you stay young.
I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.
If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
Moon rocks are OK when everyone is eating.
A murderer is only an extroverted suicide.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
The only real laughter comes from despair.
How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.
Most harm is done by people who are awake.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.