Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I didn't think that anything is beyond humor - not profane humor, but a good, honest approach to humor.
We are bred to compare ourselves to the next person, to what they have and what they have accomplished.
When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.
I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.
Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.
Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it.
You have to go away to come back. That's just normal. That's with bands, actors, comedians, everything.
Maid Marion, who said to Robin Hood, I will not live in a house with a Little John. Never got a dinner!
I like that feeling of discombobulation that comes in creating an absurd world that doesn't make sense.
I urge you to ask yourself just how honorable it is to preside over the abuse and suffering of animals.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
I want to create shows which are interesting. I hope that some people are excited by some of the ideas.
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
I wish that there were more stringent laws to make guns sold anywhere that they're legal harder to get.
Whenever I come to Ireland, I end up just bantering with the crowd so the show will just be what it is.
I don't need to be redundant to the gay community about what's wrong and what isn't happening for them.
Letting your freak flag fly is something, no matter who you are, that takes great bravery, straight up.
I never go in the sun without a shirt on and always use a moisturiser with an SPF every day on my face.
It is the vanity of women to spend hours in front of the mirror. It is the vanity of men not to bother.
A cut glass English accent can fool unsuspecting Americans into detecting a brilliance that isn't there
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Chris Rock went from a guy whose name you knew from SNL to a legendary comedian by working his ass off.
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
Blacks don't square dance. If you see a black person square dancing, it is definitely the seventh sign.
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
I work hard. The staff and crew see how much energy I put into this project, and it makes them step up.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato
I've always loved watching the news on TV. As a kid, I loved watching Walter Cronkite, for some reason.
I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.
Yuri Gagarin, the first man in space, may have had his charms, but he really couldn't be considered hip.
My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
Irish politicians are very accessible to the public, just the messenger boys for the local constituency.
I'm very lucky, I had a very amicable separation and very amicable divorce, but it was still horrendous.
At school, I was bored with the teachers, and there were moments where I felt they were singling me out.
If you're away from your house for a month, by the time you come back there's someone else living in it.
I'm trying to get away from trashing women, to be honest. I think I've done enough of that in my career.
The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.
My wife and I have five children and the reason why we have five children is because we do not want six.
The first time I came across the birds and the bees in actual flight, I couldn't identify the formation.
You can't prove somebody is a racist unless they really come out and do the act and is found to be that.
The cooperative, creative, and flexible parts of your children reside in the joyful part of their brain.