Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.
I love stand-up, but the process of writing is a little more lonely. I want to keep doing both, though.
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.
A war is going to destroy our economy even further. It's going to be a threefold humanitarian disaster.
President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.
L.A.'s large convenience stores are so big they can accommodate up to twenty armed robbers at one time.
President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap is Joe Biden.
People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.
You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
You might be a redneck if there is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
As an individual doing a podcast, you don't get even remotely rich. It's not something to do for money.
I think my siblings sometimes have to defend me within their social circles - they are both barristers.
Why don't people just accept that life is sad and cheer up? After all, it's not going to last for ever.
I have some very personal feelings about politics, but I don't get into it because I do comedy already.
Femininity in and of itself - and the feminine - can be not only privileged, but honored or worshipped.
If I was on an airplane, the people in coach would know who I am. But no one in first class would know.
Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
I remember Steve Kaufman as the artist on Saturday Night Live doing the Pop Art portraits for the show.
I feel more at home knowing I'm not really at home. It takes all the pressure off you trying to fit in!
I guess the tone of jokes is often, at best, irreverent, but it always comes from a place of deep love.
I don't want to talk about myself, that's for other people to say, so I'm not saying I was so talented.
In Canada, good waitresses are tipped well. I learnt that the harder you work, the more money you make.
Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.
I was pretty subdued [as a kid ] because I didn't want to get spanked, and I didn't want to go to Hell.
My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.
There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.
Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.
The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?
The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.
Opportunities present themselves to me. That's how my whole life has been pretty much. I've been lucky.
I was kind of a Rickles comic to begin with. I was caustic, and I was abusive and mean to the audience.
I don't know what it's like to be an actor, where if your show gets canceled, really you're just a bum.
Privacy and security are those things you give up when you show the world what makes you extraordinary.
The most useful form of time travel would be to go back a year or two and rectify the mistakes we made.
It's true that some countries have more volatility, but each also has nuances we don't even know about.
My dream of dreams is to write Broadway musicals. All of this Twitter and TV writing is just a day job.
I feel that marriage can lead to the ultimate rejection and failure and divorce and things we all fear.
I think sometimes you don't understand how to convey an idea, depending on the moment you're living in.
What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".
Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.
Elvis couldn't leave the hotel except under heavy guard. It was incredible how they went wild over him.
I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
I don't want nothing old but some old money. Buy me some young ideas. That's what I'm gonna do with it.
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
We claim we believe in compassion, which is an abstract, and when it's personified we discredit the man