Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I haven't done many commercials, and I'm very picky about it because it comes down to creative control.
The Internet is so crazy, and you're exposed to so many things. In an hour, you can really jump around.
I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.
That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.
If Einstein was so smart how come people only call you 'Einstein' when you do something really stupid ?
If God made Adam and Eve, they had children... wait a minute... that means someone banged their sister!
If I've got a black joke, and I can't tell it in Oakland, then I shouldn't tell the joke anywhere else.
I am a product... I'm a comedian. I'm not curing cancer. In the end, I tell jokes. I make people laugh.
I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.
It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.
I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven very well for me.
I would say that I have a love-hate relationship with almost everything in my life, including stand-up.
I did comedy and parody television in the '70s. I was a liberal Democrat, and it was a very heady year.
My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.
There's something about shooting webs out of my wrists and climbing up things that just makes me happy.
I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.
Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?
If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.
If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.
Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.
I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience.
Success is not built on what we accomplish for ourselves. Its foundation lies in what we do for others.
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.
I don't get recognized much, and am very happy with that. The fans I have met have all been delightful.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.
I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.
Who am I to judge is what I say. I'm 90 years old, for crying out loud, and I don't sit in any chariot.
We show a lot of film [with Regis Philbin] from my career which is most enjoyable. I enjoy watching it.
If Elvis is alive, Tupac is alive. I saw Tupac on 46th Street selling Biggie t-shirts 2 for 10 dollars.
Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that...shite.
Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn't even have when you were on your own.
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?
I had no idea who I was when I started. I was frightened to death and had no natural performing skills.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.
Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
I used to think it was corny to be in love but actually it's corny to lose an awesome woman! Real talk.
I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats, but I can recommend an extremely good service.
Tis but a scratch!" "A scratch? Your arm's off!" "No it isn't." "Then what's that?" "Oh come on, pansy!
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
College is great. It's the only time in life where you can write a check for 39 cents... and bounce it.