Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I think all art - even one as lowly as making jokes about celebrities - is there to make a connection.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.
I snootily say I can't take too many dramatic parts, as it's taking work from actors who aren't funny.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
People don't throw your bags out of windows because of lies; they throw them out because of the truth.
I did a stand-up performance on Conan O'Brian, which was great, but it's not for me. I prefer England.
I can't cater to everyone's needs and what they're going to be offended by; that's one freedom I have.
Sometimes I am screwing around, and sometimes I get way too serious, but I am a pretty sincere person.
I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.
I'm intimidated anytime I work with someone who's directly outside my very insulated group of friends.
Like bees around honey. Why are bees so attracted to honey, since they make it? It can only be vanity.
I tend not to think about living to some grand old age. Then again, I don't think about dying, either.
There's no doubt that I do have extremes of mood that are greater than just about anybody else I know.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
It's difficult to write anything at the moment, as every week there's a seismic shift in world events.
With comedy, it's not always a blessing to be beautiful because part of it is self-parody and gurning.
I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.
When you get older your dad becomes this other man rather than a scary man, and you have a friendship.
Delhi women - they're the most beautiful women! But the fact remains that they know they are gorgeous.
[On lightweight movies:] Fun movies. They were never meant to cure cancer, only to take away the mind.
I have the physique a lot of people dream about having. It's my obligation to share it with the world.
Why not work with your friends? It's working with people you know, and you share the same sensibility.
I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear. It's a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!
You really just have to have a good attitude, challenge yourself, and you can accomplish great things.
The only two characters I can play convincingly are myself and a dumber and sweeter version of myself.
We've all got hurdles we have to overcome, and mine are not necessarily any bigger than anyone else's.
That's something I learned as a philosophy major: The philosophy ethos is, always question, never rest.
I've been going to Granada for many years and 12 years ago bought a house a few miles outside the city.
I want to be able to make people laugh as hard as they possibly can, and I really think they need that.
Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.
An uninspiring canvas becomes a glamorous masterpiece when it is reattributed to a better-known artist.
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.
I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.
Anyone who has brought up children knows that consistency has absolutely nothing to do with discipline.
You are not going to 'go forth.' You are going to take that damn hat off and you're going to get a job.
I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift.
I hear a lot of talk today about xenophobia. Is it really phobia if you have something to be afraid of?
Have you ever met a war you didn't love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?
Some people think I enjoy debate. I don't. I wish everyone agreed with me; it would save a lot of time.
You can't pray away global warming, and that's the difference between religious people and sane people.
Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and, for once, it wasn't your job.
The shame would be if Democrats get thrown out of office without ever having tried Democratic policies.
I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
I never fully committed to the child actor thing. I also liked being a regular kid and being a student.