Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
If a guy is just genuine and honest, girls gravitate towards that, and girls love it when you open up.
How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?
The difference between Men and Women is that Men love The 3 Stooges, and Women think they're assholes.
President Obama told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed.
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.
You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
You might be a redneck if your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
You might be a redneck if you refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the day my ship came in.
We probably stagnate our children's emotional growth by not letting them have some separation from us.
I want to be one of those cool people that's like, "What is Twitter?" and just be totally blind to it.
I'd love to be a hit in Germany. I'm working on trying to get a gig as David Hasselhoff's opening act.
I think I might actually die of showing off. It'll be on my headstone - 'Cause of Death: Showing Off.'
By recognizing your own vulnerability you can recognize and identify with the vulnerability in others.
Normally, you cast a pilot, and you have to make compromises about being political about who you cast.
One thing I'm afraid of is not taking advantage of opportunities. I feel like these are kind of gifts.
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
I loved 1990s television: 'The Fast Show,' 'Father Ted,' 'Harry Enfield.' 'Clive Anderson Talks Back.'
Most people I was at school with, if they saw me on telly, wouldn't know I'd been at school with them.
If it's not a film in which Harrison Ford's wife is being kidnapped, I'm not interested; he's my hero.
Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.
When you're writing a sketch, it has to be surrounded by a situation. It can't just be out of the air.
Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.
My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.
I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.
Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'
My wife's the ugliest woman in the world - I'd sooner take her with me on tour, than kiss her goodbye.
Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.
A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.
I don't think crucifixion is the answer. I believe in the resurrection. I like that part of the story.
It's much funnier when the comedy can happen with me just trying my best to genuinely do a good thing.
We're always going to be cherry-picking to make religion make sense. Especially in the modern context.
Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.
I have always loved Las Vegas. It's a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that.
You have to be ruthless with yourself, in terms of being honest about what is working and what is not.
I love the beginning of Magnolia, the thing about the dealer. That scene is genius. Brilliantly acted.
King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, Who doesn't have a headache tonight? Never got a dinner!
Joseph Cotten, who said, You know how I got my name? Sammy Davis picked it for me. Never got a dinner!
If you pay attention to the world, it’s an amazing place. If you don’t, it’s whatever you think it is.
If you pay attention to the world, it's an amazing place. If you don't, it's whatever you think it is.
I'm for human lib, the liberation of all people, not just black people or female people or gay people.