Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
In today's Republican Party, there's a term for people who hate charity and love killing: 'Christian.'
George Bush says, 'Gore's book needs a lot of explaining.' Of course, Bush says that about every book.
New Rule: The people of America who were most in favor of the Iraq War must now go there and fight it.
I would rather put up with Rush Limbaugh and live in a country where we all do have freedom of speech.
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
If you're just really loud, people just want - will give you what you want just to get you to shut up.
Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.
I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club.
If you tell a kid not to run to a water slide, he/she will walk for 2 steps, then start running again.
If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
I think bullying of anybody, whether they're gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable.
That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.
A laugh is a surprise. And all humor is physical. I was always athletic, so that came naturally to me.
It changed my whole outlook. I lost a decade to self-pity, and the next thing I knew I was turning 40.
It's barely OK for me to be dressed up as a black guy. But part of me kind of enjoys provoking people.
You feel the pressure of going to university because you need a back-up plan, which is why I enrolled.
When you're doing a big-budget movie and you're four on the call sheet, you've got a lot of free time.
Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.
What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.
A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.
When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.
When you're sharing a mud hole with a wildebeest derriere in sub-Saharan Africa, that's a living hell.
Every holiday on the calendar, I check in a hotel and fast - I don't eat, I don't drink, I don't talk.
I thought The Office was good, though I didn't think of it as a sitcom, just as a very good programme.
No one ever comitted suicide while reading a good book, but many have tried while trying to write one.
Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.
Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.
I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.
I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?
Islamic State practise a brand of Islamic law so strict that apparently Raqqa only has two Irish Pubs.
Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.
A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.
If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.
If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.
We found that we didn't have much problem with him [J.C.], it was his followers we found questionable.
I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.
The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.
We have so much access to video and audio recording equipment that it's kind of the new pen and paper.