Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I never wanted to do observational humor because I never wanted to tell people what they were seeing.
People confuse the subject of the joke with the target of the joke, and they're very rarely the same.
I can't find someone funny whom I don't like. Hitler told great jokes. I didn't find it funny at all.
I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.
I was an usher at the Lyric Theatre Hammersmith. You had to watch whatever play they had on 40 times.
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'
I became known for surprising audiences. Except now, if I surprise them every time, they expect that.
It feels weird in our ear holes to hear people worshipping a guy named Ron. We know Rons in our life.
There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they're ever so small That's why rain is thin.
I do sometimes painful things to my body in an effort to conform to culturally imposed beauty ideals.
[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it.
One day I would want to be an Egyptologist, the next day an ornithologist. I was an exhausting child.
The more you perform, the more adept you get at the nuances of navigating that communal conversation.
To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.
I'll go to see movies, but I also love being at home on my couch and pausing every 10 minutes to pee.
London's my favourite place. I lived in Crouch End for years and come back as much as I possibly can.
My wife said, 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.' I said, 'chocolate fudge.'
Now, I don't mind making fun of those preachers who steal money from people, they kind of deserve it.
But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I'll hear it, but the men will keep talking.
My worlds collide. When one things happens, it just starts a domino effect - everything else goes on.
Art and life are subjective. Not everybody's gonna dig what I dig, but I reserve the right to dig it.
You did it! Congratulations! World's best cup of coffee! Great job, everybody! It's great to be here.
I left home to go to college, and then I moved back home. I moved back for three years from 21 to 24.
I feel that religion can be used as a tool to guide your life and help you connect with other people.
The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.
For me, the showbiz memoir is uninteresting - you want to tell people something they don't know about.
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
I make a lot of jokes about vegetarians in my act but most of them don't have the strength to protest.
I was quite young when my dad went into politics but, as it went on, I became self-conscious about it.
The surest way to wake up and smell the roses every day is to go to sleep face down in the flower bed.
The Bible has no doubt had much influence in its time, but it provides very few laughs. None, in fact.
If you're driving down the street, you keep the neck forward. So that way you can clear out the lanes.
New Zealand is a country of thirty thousand million sheep, three million of whom think they are human.
When I'm up there, I'm just thinking that I've got to make them laugh or they won't show up next time.
Sometimes you try to help people, and it backfires on you, and then they try to take advantage of you.
Life is not a means to an end but a series of experiences. Are you creating your series 'on purpose' ?
Sometimes our ability to accept what we can't change is tied to our willingness to change what we can.
The key to being with family is to engage with those we love in a way we would teach to those we love.
You know as well as I do that the family sitcom was the stalwart of TV for God knows how many decades.
BTW A 24 week old embryo is not a human being. You're not a human being until you're in my phone book.
Religion is defined as belief in and worship of a controlling power and atheism is precisely not that.