Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Seeing a woman project the kind of aggression that you have to project as a comic just rubs me wrong.
You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind
I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.
The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.
I've been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It's just something I'm very aware of.
It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it.
Independent filmmakers already have their heads around people on their couches watching their movies.
Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.
Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.
Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.
I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.
I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.
A lot of the shows that really become hit shows are often demonstrated, like Mystery Science Theater.
My mother and father were very strange people. They tried to be funny which is always very sad to me.
A vest is just a totem reminding you that some people dress well, and you can be one of those people.
I thought a dignified thing to do would be to live in the country by the time I'm 50 and write books.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
Our whole wedding cost 180 bucks. Afterward, we re-heated lasagna for everyone and set off fireworks.
When Pixar calls and says, 'Hey, you wanna be in a Pixar movie?' you don't do a lot of contemplating!
Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.
I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.
I always wonder why Republicans hate gay marriage, because they certainly don't hate gay prostitutes.
The newest victims of the nation's foreclosure crisis are pets, which is extremely distressing to me.
People come to my shows on purpose as opposed to coming to a 'comedy show.' Which was always my goal.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
My husband was a pilot. He flew Elvis when Elvis first started making appearances around the country.
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you'll eventually be accused of treason.
Hillary's explanation of the Libyan action to Congress was so good, I wonder who explained it to her?
Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.
The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.
I voted for Arnold Schwarzenegger 'cause I figured he can go back in the future. Put that in the act.
Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk.
I remember, when 9/11 went down, my reaction was, 'Well, I've had it with humanity.' But I was wrong.
People will find transformation and transcendence in a McDonald's hash brown if it's all they've got.
People are going to hire you, or they're not, and there's only so much you can do to hedge your bets.
White people are very good at acting like they're not racist. They deserve an Academy Award for that.
America is racial. America was founded on race. Race is America. The code name for America is 'race.'
I go in the butchers and there's not a lot of meat I can eat these days, with having all the animals.
I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.
I want to show all sides of myself. I mean, I don't want to howl at the moon my whole life, you know?
If I open a Batman book, and he doesn't look right, I can't do it. It has so much to do with the art.
I've got loads of ideas swimming round, and I've even organised them in a nice folder on me computer.
Where else but in America can a poor black man like Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white woman?
I usually just say I'm a stand-up comedian, but I use looping machines to create ideas with my voice.