Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.
I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.
The key to attempting to create art in some aspect is also knowing that it will turn some people off.
One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.
I don't know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.
I'm cool with failing so long as I know that there are people around me that love me unconditionally.
I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.
Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this."
One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.
I don't feel an obligation to give everyone a hard time, but when they're important people, it's fun.
I've never had a writer, and I'm proud of that. Everything I've performed has been from my own head.
A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.
I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do.
My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.
Together with script writers Sid Green and Dick Hills, we worked on the comedy ideas for this series.
My favorite drawings at the Muhammad cartoon festival in Texas were the two chalk outlines out front.
People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.
Evaluate every performance on: stage presence, concentration, delivery, material and lessons learned.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.
History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.
Children should be taught to question everything . . . everything they read and everything they hear.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.
On the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.
That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
Cocaine was different. It kept saying, "You haven't had enough." I became an abuser almost instantly.
When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.
If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I'd go, 'Well, war isn't that terrible.'
There are no gatekeepers. So all the things we want people to cast us in, we can just make ourselves.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
I've never been the kind of woman that hates other women, particularly based on their attractiveness.
I am very proud of my career and that I've the health, thank God, to continue doing this for so long.
No no no! Don't clap! No no no, you make me seem like I'm like a prophet or something and I'm so not!
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
The worst thing about losing this job: I’m no longer covered by NBC. I have to sign up for ObamaCare.
I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.
If someone at Fleet Farm offers you assistance and they don't work there you might live in Wisconsin.
You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
All these years I've sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them.