Quotes by Comedian of the Authors - Page 210

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To me, 'Ace Ventura' is as scriptural and sacred as any movie I've ever done because it's childlike.

The Shades never recorded anything, Little Daddy and the Bachelors recorded a couple of records, ya.

'That '70s Show' was one of the highlights of my life. I didn't expect to be on it as long as I was.

Maybe once in a while, you know, after a hard day of shooting or something like that, I'd kick back.

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

America was a thing I saw on TV - that wasn't a real world. That wasn't within my realm of dreaming.

Read (this book), smile, enjoy, and if you happen to learn something along the way, don't get upset.

It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians.

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

The American school system's a little warped, so anyone can get a degree if they have a little money.

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

Worry less about having to fit, and focus more on what you want to make - this will always serve you.

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

You people are not prepared. You are well educated and you look cute, but that's not going to cut it.

It is a point of pride for the American male to keep the same size jockey shorts for his entire life.

What best defines a child is the total inability to receive information from anything not plugged in.

People should fact check. People shouldn’t have to go through that and shouldn’t answer to innuendos.

Nothing will sabotage our happiness and success more thoroughly than the fear that we are not enough.

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

It's all about money, not freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without money, okay?

If you ignore every single thing Jesus told you to do, you are just auditing. You're not a Christian.

There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.

There have been man-on-the-street interviews for years, but insulting people is not that funny to me.

I learned early on that 'Billy on the Street' is a great lesson in 'Don't judge a book by its cover.'

If you're on TV, you can't complain, right? And I understand that, and it's true to a certain degree.

I always want to lead with comedy but hopefully be able to sneak my message through at the same time.

All I wanted to do as a kid was go to the post-Oscar parties I was seeing on 'Entertainment Tonight.'

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

I don't mind having 16-year-old fans, but I hate just having 16-year-old fans. I want more diversity.

Perfume acts as an anesthetic. By the time she floats a little your way, you'll promise her anything.

It was a great honour to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. I didn't know they had a caddie division.

Music-wise, I listen to everything. Leonard Cohen, Randy Newman - I guess I like a lot of '70s music.

Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.

All my other relationships with men, there was so much maneuvering and strategic decisions and stuff.

I'd love to be animated. I've always wanted to jump off of a bridge and not be hurt, like Bugs Bunny.

Marijuana was a new phenomenon when we started. Now it's for everyone - doctors, lawyers, presidents.

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.

It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding.

I do lots of crowd work in my set, because I enjoy writing material through riffing and conversation.

I was sure 'Summer Heights High' would be a cult ABC thing; I had no idea it would be such a big hit.

I get bored with the constant probing for the cliched tears of the clown, the dark side of the comic.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

The entire universe is working against me. I can't believe the entire universe could be that foolish!

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

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