Over half the world menstruates at one time or another, but you'd never know it. Isn't that strange?
The incognito of lower class employment is an effective cloak for any dagger one might wish to hide.
I don't chase after things, but I put forward the effort and know the rest of it is out of my hands.
I like doing all different types of comedy - stand-up, sketch, movies, TV. I like to try everything.
Sometimes people say, 'You're the best at digressions.' And that's actually a real compliment to me.
The whole Miami Heat team is my least my favorite athlete. Why? Because they keep beating my Pacers.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?
When I was at art college, a can of Spray Mount adhesive cost £12: £2 more than my weekly food bill.
Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.
When you put an album out, you can't do any material from the album if people are paying to see you.
If written with enough care and thoughtfulness, a joke can make you laugh at a belief you hold dear.
More than just a sobering history lesson, 'Angry Birds' is a beautiful game. It's absolutely lovely.
When you put yourself out into the world and say, 'Hey, look at me,' you're going to get criticized.
I love 'Phoenix Nights' and I would love to go back. I've got a lot of ideas about 'Phoenix Nights.'
The captain of the Titanic, who said to room service, Who sent for all this ice? Never got a dinner!
Captain Hook's mother, who said to Little Hook, For God sakes, don't scratch it! Never got a dinner!
The definition of indecent – when it’s in long, and it’s in hard, and it’s in deep – it’s in decent.
I did pass the bar in Pennsylvania. I can practice Amish law. But it's long expired, my bar license.
I think comedies should be short. I don't want to be self-indulgent; I don't want a two-hour comedy.
I don't know what Trump has to do to lose his supporters. It's like a religion. He's a school bully.
I'm going to start water skiing someday...as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat.
My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.
I thought comedy would be the hardest thing I could do, and if I could do that, I could do anything.
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
My mom could afford to put us in a Catholic school for grades one through seven, but not after that.
It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!
That disturbs people when they know they didn't have the guts or integrity to stick to their dreams.
Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.
I dress normal because I want people to treat me regular. And their brains explode. It's really fun.
Really, if I'm honest, sci-fi is where my sensibility instinctively goes - I'm a big comic-book fan.
I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.
Life, that can shower you with so much splendour, is unremittingly cruel to those who have given up.
A month's salary, deep regret, the telephone number of some foul rehab clinic and my lance was free.
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me
My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles... which sounds so much better than "alcoholic."
Louis CK went from a writer/comedian to winning Emmys for his own show because he works his ass off.
There's a lot of dopes in life, and in film school. The interesting people are usually easy to find.
Back in high school, there was something fun and dangerous about inhabiting a different personality.