If I put forth a legitimate effort, then I feel like, if that doesn't work out, that's all I can do.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.
I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.
The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.
Somebody call Janet Reno - I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!
In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted.
All Americans need a sense of place. That's what makes our physical surroundings worth caring about.
Truth or tact? You have to choose. Most times they're not compatible. It's so hard to draw the line.
The National Rifle Association says, 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps.
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
I love clothes, so when I wear clothes, they're usually somebody's. You know, I'm not wearing Kmart.
In order to eliminate discrimination, the Modern Liberal has opted to become utterly indiscriminate.
I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
People are dreaming if they think they have rights. They've never had rights. There's no such thing.
80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes. Actually, they said Yes! Oh God, Yes!
I think hard-working people have more opportunities no matter what on YouTube, regardless of gender.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
My childlike qualities sometimes lead me to jump into projects without thinking of the consequences.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
I don't think Hollywood was trying to do anything with me. In fact, they lost interest pretty quick.
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
President Bush spent the day calling names he couldn't pronounce in countries he never knew existed.
You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.
You might be a redneck if you're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You might be a redneck if more than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.
I think as time goes by you'll get female comics who are weirder - you'll get a female Mighty Boosh.
Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined.
I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
I'm a big fan of saying the thing that is not necessarily sincere or earnest, but definitely honest.
I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.
I thought a dignified thing to do would be to live in the country by the time I'm 50 and write books
I go where people are hurting. I stand on the stage, and I make people laugh for an hour and a half.
I like to edit; I like to work with other people, and that's something stand-up doesn't really have.
There's a lot of money in wars, except in the war on poverty. Can't make any bread helping the poor.
I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.
I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.