Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.
I believed in God my whole life, and then strayed away from it in my teen-age years, until recently.
There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.
Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary.
My grandfather had strong opinions. He was an argumentative character and quite staunchly socialist.
Business runs hot and cold so the more you're in charge of your own destiny, the better off you are.
A plumber doesn't change the way he plumbs when he has a kid. You're a comedian. This is your style.
And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.
I'm an American who loves an America which doesn't exist, which is a land of freedom and free ideas.
If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.
The teachers don't know anything. What are the kids going to learn with a horrible education system?
If it makes you feel any better we will be happy to attack a country that had nothing to do with it.
People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it's hard at the beginning.
When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.
I knew the President would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels ... and returns.
It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.
Music-wise, I listen to everything. Leonard Cohen, Randy Newman, I guess I like a lot of 70's music.
Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, Darn, I'm still writing the year 1612 on my checks!
When it comes to my daughter, I'm a conservative. But when it comes to your daughter, I'm a liberal!
I'm wearing a new perfume that I should recommend to the women in the audience; it's called 'Tester.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
I'm not really a management-type person. It doesn't suit my personality to be bossing people around.
I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?
You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.
I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.
Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.
Am I the Irish comedian with half a finger? No, I'm the Irish comedian with nine and a half fingers.
Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.