Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.'
I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane.
It's pretty difficult to promote something the week after Christmas and the week before New Year's.
I go on Wikipedia and alter pages of animals with fake facts that I've made up about those animals.
Sometimes you've gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the payment on the truck.
Children ought to watch pornographic movies: it's healthier than learning about sex from Hollywood.
Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.
I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.
Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.
It's always fun when somebody who you admire and respect is the voice - is your voice, as a viewer.
I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.
I think the best way to get over your body issues is to just flaunt your body at every opportunity.
I was crazy about the song "Doot Doot," so I usually love this genre of weird, European electronic.
George Harrison's passing was really sad, but it does make the afterlife seem much more attractive.
Somewhere, a long way away, people are doing sensible things like mowing lawns and digging gardens.
Ronnie Barker was a straightforward man who had this extraordinary ability to make the nation laugh
You can express love by calling out the truth out of the situation as opposed to dancing around it.
You need to know what doesn't work to know what works. It's especially true in improv and stand-up.
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.
Show business is made up of disappointments, and it's through life's disappointments that you grow.
I have always been scared of confrontation. My therapist says it stems from my fear of abandonment.
All my life - middle school, high school - I've always been worried what are people going to think.
I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
If Kevin James or Paul Giamatti drop weight, I'm done. I don't want to be the last pudge out there.
Once in a while you get a moment of clarity - an inspiration - and they don't come that frequently.
Younger kids, they understand that things aren't so perfect with their father or with their mother.
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
Comedy is not about appearance; it's about rockin' a mike. Are they laughing? That's the only test.
Sleeping Beauty, who said to Prince Charming, Are you sure all we did was kiss? Never got a dinner!
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
I don't do karaoke. I don't dance, even at weddings. I'm the grumpy one sitting down drinking wine.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.
UKIP trades in the language of fear and division; it seeks power in order to reject responsibility.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
If you want to dig, if you want to pry, do it on your time, but I'm going to be a woman of dignity.
I was really going through a transition in my life. I was tired of feeling victimized by my career.
I remember when I got a part on 'Seinfeld' it was like an out of body experience, I was so excited.
Like Toy Story, the joke is all about exploring the secret world of these various everyday objects.
I liked actions movies. Jean-Claude Van Damme was a major influence on me at that point in my life.
Trying to constantly get yourself into movies is extremely stressful and sometimes just impossible.
We teach reading, writing and math by [having students do] them. But we teach democracy by lecture.
'Outside' came in '60. 'The Edge' in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was 'Inside.'