Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.
It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.
Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.
I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.
Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we?
America is concerned more with the possibility of moon folks than the reality of hungry poor folks.
When you talk about George Burns you're talking about a living legend . . . well, a legend, anyhow.
My wife, Barbara, is great. She arranges when I do work that I have a day off between performances.
You’re not going to learn anything if you’re not prepared to go flat, so I’m very happy to go flat.
You're not going to learn anything if you're not prepared to go flat, so I'm very happy to go flat.
You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.
Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?
The Minister of Transport issued this appeal to motorists: Can anyone give him a lift to Leicester?
I love my family, my wife, my kids, my dogs, my home, my life. I am a very happy and contented man.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.
Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it ... like lunch or dinner.
Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.
One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.
Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
In life, there's a ying and a yang and a balance. And when you don't have balance, you have comedy.
People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.
Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.
Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket
A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it
Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself
The mobile phone, the fax, emails. Call me old fashioned, but what's wrong with a chain of beacons?
We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
For my stand-up, I always have my notebook with me and if something strikes me, I'll write it down.
Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.
Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?
You know what you call the two winners of that $580 million PowerBall lottery? ... Former Democrats
Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?
Martha Stewart was found guilty on all charges. You know what that means, stripes are in this year.
You might be a redneck if you think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.
Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.
You might be a redneck if your daughter's Barbie's Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.
You might be a redneck if you move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
I don't do marriage. I think it's incredibly naff. And I don't like vulgar displays of ostentation.
You might as well like yourself; just think about all the time you're gonna have to spend with you.
I like to create a community where people want to come and have a good time and do their best work.
I've been very lucky to work with people I think are funny and who are really awesome human beings.
Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.