Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Nothing like quoting Silence of the Lambs for people to question what kind of disability you have.
Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
In my moments of greatest hubris, I say to myself, 'Yes, you should be trying to change the world.'
I loved Adam Sandler's early stuff. I thought it was so cool how irreverent and weird he would get.
When telemarketers call me now, I won't get the blow-horn. I'm more polite than the average person.
I'm waiting for the time when I fail - because we all fail - and I'm ready, I'll take up carpentry.
'Civilians' is a term I love. It's what Elizabeth Hurley used to describe people who weren't on TV.
I think if I did do something in another genre, it would be science fiction; I'm a big sci fi nerd.
Running is never fun. Running is something that you do when there's a man chasing you with a knife.
If you live with a certain amount of dread for your own personal safety every day, that is anxiety.
I don't do something I won't enjoy just for the money. I do it for the fun, for the joy of working.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Family is the place where acceptance and validation are most needed, but often the hardest to find.
There are two ways to make someone important in our lives ... we can either love them or hate them.
Ebola has arrived in New York City. And I say, 'if it can make it there...it can make it anywhere!'
Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?
As a loyal American and I think a patriotic American, no, I don't want Sarah Palin to be president.
Every actor-performer says this, and it sounds so irritating, but I'm not the most outgoing person.
For some comedians it feels so cool to be like: 'I'll say anything, man!'. I'm not quite there yet.
I became good friends with Jack Whitehall. I think he's great, such a great dude, and really funny.
I don't worship comedy; at the end of the day, I don't fall to the altar of comedy unquestioningly.
It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.
I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.
My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts.
God has a sense of humor. If you don't believe me, tomorrow go to wal-mart and just look at people.
I always like to think I'm having a dinner party, and I'm the host, and the audience are my guests.
The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase: if you pursue happiness you'll never find it.
The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
I don't want to be Oprah [Winfrey], I'm not trying to be Barbara Walters, but we can all do better.
If you're a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don't.
Some Harvard guy said that acid would open our minds, pot wouldn't hurt us, and cocaine was benign.
It's never a good idea for a celebrity to sign autographs or take pictures if a crowd is gathering.
I've been out of work so many times in my life that relying too much on just one job is terrifying.
I think doing the podcast may have been one of the best career decisions I've ever made in my life.
People think that I'm some kind of genius who's got these statements to say, and... I'm not really.
Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.
Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.
My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha."
I had a slight touch of Tourette's, which means you talk to yourself and bark and cry out at night.
In 20 years I want to look back and see a collection of crazy characters that I made - a menagerie.
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.
Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?
I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
But the happiest people are the ones who understand that good things occur when one allows them to.
I knew comedy was the thing for me when I was the only Asian kid in high school... who failed math.