Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.
The secretiveness. The stealth. Those were obviously the aspects of cocaine use I was addicted to.
When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.
The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.
In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today -- for tomorrow's gonna be bad enough as it is.
Did I become an entertainer because my father died and I wanted to be what he loved? I don't know.
If Mandela were a comedian, I bet he would never get mad at a heckler, he'd give him or her a hug.
The best cure for hypochondria is to forget about your body and get interested in somebody else's.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing
When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.
Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood
If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?
I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I'm thankful for that.
Unlike 'Deal or No Deal,' which is for the entire family, my standup is not for the entire family.
There's a way to express femininity and independence and strength without going for hanging fruit.
I got a job as a coat check girl at a nightclub - this was in my first few months of being in L.A.
I'm no alcoholic. I'm a drunkard. There's a difference. A drunkard doesn't like to go to meetings.
I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!
You might be a redneck if you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.
Don't overpack your carry-on. You're never going to read that second book or that fourth magazine.
I was the kind of Jew who'd be in a bar, somebody would say it's Yom Kippur, and I'd go, 'Really?'
That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.
There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.
I never expect anything. The more good things that happen the better, but I never expect anything.
The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.
I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.
The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win.
People are still willing to do an honest day's work. The trouble is they want a week's pay for it.
Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell, no!
Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says 'I don't give a royal s**t.'
Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache.
I'm defending free speech pretty much all over the place because you still have freedom of speech.
Not Going Out's jokes were based on the American mentality in terms of how often the jokes appear.
I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
I love drugs, but I hate hangovers, and the hatred of the hangover wins by a landslide every time.
Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream
I'm humble enough to wait and just chill. I'm having fun just working with these good people, man.
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I'm not dripping with charisma like many of my friends are. But I do have candour, which is close.
I think the only op-ed columnist in 'The Times' - where I read all of his stuff - is Paul Krugman.
Someone told me I looked like a young Tonya Harding recently, as if 'young' would soften the blow.
My parents had lots of parties. They were hopelessly bohemian. They were just 18 when they had me.
'Moonage Daydream' is my favourite because it's an amazing pop tune with such strange parts to it.