Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I don't see much comedy in the Bible, where people are writing about funny people. It's not there.
Remembering the past should help you create a purposeful future, not cause you to be afraid of it.
Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.
I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.
I urge the media to start referring to climate skeptics as what they really are: climate assholes.
Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.
I've seen the invention of television and performed on television even before my family owned one.
I was a very cocky and unlikable young comic. But I came from the hood, and that's what I learned.
I'm like most people in America. I'm conservative on some things, and I'm liberal on other things.
Here's what I know about the business I am in. It's all based on money. It's all based on ratings.
I'm the go-to guy for Mexican priests. I'm the new Barry Fitzgerald, except with a Mexican accent.
People are following me because they want to see pictures of me. So why is Instagram editing them?
My father was the funniest guy I ever met. I'm not sure if I stole his stuff or if I inherited it.
Any good actor has to have a good sense of humour, too; they have to be able to manipulate people.
What's funny is funny. The same thing that made you laugh a hundred years ago makes you laugh now.
We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.
To be a comedian: Make peace with the fact that you will never be as funny as a baby falling over.
My kids don't have a trust fund, they have a debt fund. Oh my God, they're $4 million in the hole.
Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.
A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."
Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.
I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.
I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.
True love is when you're cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
The closed mind is a disease. You need to have an open mind; otherwise life will just pass you by.
It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.
American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.
Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick.
Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island.
If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!
A Klaner KKK is a cat who gets out of bed in the middle of the night and takes his sheet with him.
That's easy, to stand in a nightclub, where most of the people that come in, they came to see you.
I don't believe in God. So I'm a non-believer in the non-visible. I'm a believer in us; in humans.
I wanted to have money; I wanted to be special; I wanted people to like me; I wanted to be famous.
People give me such a hard time because I don't wear dresses. What's that got to do with anything?
In 1958, we decided to go to Australia. We were there for six months, and all the shows went well.
I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.
If leadership is about listening, the great political speeches would have been a little different.
Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.
When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.
A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively.
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.