Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
A black man will be elected President of the United States. I'm sorry, that's in the year 10,000.
Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks.
Well being as there's no other place around the place, I reckon this must be the place, I reckon.
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance.
Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.
I don't really frick with Africa cause people are starving to death and that's not ballin' to me.
Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.
Sundance is just a great place for your work to be seen. Not much more to say about it than that.
There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.
I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.
It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.
I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks... IN A STARBUCKS!!!
America is 5 percent of the world's population and consumes 96 percent of the world's hard drugs.
Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera.
When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.
I don't practice or write stuff down - everything I do onstage was just made up before I went on.
Women are like canoes, full of soup. At first everyone is suspicious but then everyone wants one.
Two young, fit, healthy attractive people in love? There’s nothing worse to look at in the world.
One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.
We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.
Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, Is that Rod Stewart in first class?
Beauty isn’t between a size zero and a size eight, it is not a number at all. It is not physical.
You could write a joke in the pub at lunchtime and watch it performed on television that evening.
If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.
As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.
Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.
Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.
Was the Buddha married? His wife would say, "Are you just going to sit around like that all day?"
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'
There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself.
The dividend I get [from my compulsion] is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
When you go to cable, there are no stations and no affiliates and they allow you to do your show.
The best cure for hypochondria is to forget about your body and get interested in someone else's.
That's one way to overcome criticism: tank so hard that failing becomes glorious and meaningless.
Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth"
Dave Chappelle is one of my comedic inspirations. His perspective is crazy, and he's super sharp.
I'm very reactive, I think. I'm down to throw down with people. Online, of course. Not in person.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.