Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Being on the plane is my catch-up time. I write thank-you notes. I read. I write stand-up jokes.
I always wore sneakers when I wanted to. It was always about being comfortable and being myself.
Well, we won the war. You know what that means. In twenty years, we'll all be driving Iraqi cars
I would love to play Simon Cowell in a movie - heck, I would love it. It would be my dream role.
My parents instilled in me a sense of self that I was more than just a diagnosis or a condition.
The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.
I exist as an annexe of the BBC. I'm down the road a bit from the main building, in a little hut.
Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.
The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.
Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?
I'm an armchair kind of guy, especially when it's raining, which it always is and always will be.
The book may be garbage, but if it weighs in at a kilo or more, I stand before its author in awe.
Theatricals can be irritating, but will provide a better night out than mobile phone salespeople.
I can be indecisive about things - and the less important something is, the more indecisive I am.
But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"
But being in 'Doctor Who' is a dream come true. I've been a fan since I can remember watching TV.
You wanna know how you know you're informed as a protestor? They don't show your interview on TV.
I know people are tired of me not saying anything, but a guy doesn't have to answer to innuendos.
I did not want to turn to playing golf because golf is about as much exercise as shuffling cards.
We’ve got to get the gun out of the hands of people who are supposed to be on neighborhood watch.
We've got to get the gun out of the hands of people who are supposed to be on neighborhood watch.
The true measure of our belief in the validity of our values is our willingness to act upon them.
I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
Jesus-murdered. Martin Luther King-murdered. Gandhi-murdered. Malcolm X-murdered. Reagan-wounded.
People always snap and think they're Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they're Buddha?
Man, the Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a coupla tunes. Tell me they weren't partyin'.
I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind's sole purpose on this planet.
Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! ... That's the story of Jesus.
What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider. And Also FOX News makes people stupider.
I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
I had a lot of fans in New York. The press would write about me, but I couldn't get a paying job.
I think that I am working to remind myself that it's still my life... you have to enjoy yourself.
I don't need anything as long as I have my family, friends, millions of dollars, unlimited pussy.
If a comic is himself, there'll be things he can't do - because he has to adhere to that persona.
I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there.
Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.
Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.
I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.
I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.
I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.
I don't know. I'd be a lot better off if I would've studied more when I was growing up, you know?
Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.
I always wanted to film 'Biggest Loser' in Hawaii. We could call it, 'Come on I wanna weigh you.'
You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.
Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift.
Every Vacation movie didn't just make the studio money. They each made the studio a lot of money.
Last good pratfall I did, I broke bones in both hands. I still feel it when people shake my hand.
Like lycanthropy, the nerd gene can skip a generation. My maternal grandfather was a technophile.
The only plan I have is to not do anything I don't want to do - and to never work just for money.