Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.
Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off. But it's better if you do.
We would not be here if humanity were inherently evil. We'd have eaten ourselves alive long ago.
I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes.
The secret to my success is that I bit off more than I could chew and chewed as fast as I could.
It was the worst moment of my life. The producer came up and talked me back into going on stage.
Listen, we've got one little ol' black president, and white folks are upset, but they've had 43.
The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.
I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to stay - away from it.
When I look at what's happening with #MeToo, my heart breaks, basically, for everybody involved.
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Sydney Poitier, who said to Lester Maddox, Guess who's not coming to dinner? Never got a dinner!
The mind does different things in performance, and conscious thought sometimes takes a backseat.
If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
A lie is profanity. A lie is the worst thing in the world. Art is the ability to tell the truth.
There are so many films now where you know the story is a supporting role to the visual effects.
I was in a coma for five days - I was dead longer than Jesus before he was raised from the dead.
I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy.
It's a good idea to have a break, to let your mind rest and so you can start to cultivate ideas.
They gave 12 monkeys a typewriter for a week, and after a week, they only used it as a bathroom.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.
Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Some people were just getting on with their lives, chatting, being young. It simply wouldn't do.
I don't like surgery. I don't like elective surgery, I don't like surgery that you have to have.
The most important, overriding arc of my career has been that I would never be self-deprecating.
I think that whenever a Jew has any kind of notoriety, good or bad, the Jews find it to be good.
I was taught not to confront and interrupt people, but that's what I do every day on 'The View.'
If there were a God he would want us to be better spirited than to take his word for everything.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before.
My mum has recorded all my programmes and not watched one. My dad says he finds it embarrassing.
Ultimately, an audience wants to laugh. That's who they like, the comedian who makes them laugh.
Whatever the outcome of the day I shall never forget that you hit me when I wasn't even looking!
I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
The second we define someone as a Democrat or Republican, it creates a whole set of limitations.
People didn't relate to me as being Chinese or white, just being a hippie, a long-haired hippie.
I've lived many places all over the world, so I've always seen myself as a citizen of the world.
They're desperately searching for meaning in their lives but they will not crack the Bible open.
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
I'm going to leave The Wanda Sykes Show and try to get her job because $5 million ain't too bad!