Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell
There's nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.
When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.
I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.
It's the American view that everything has to keep climbing: productivity, profits, even comedy.
When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.
When you go to cable, there are no stations and no affiliates and they allow you to do your show
Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government.
I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
I have that working class fear of having nothing. I've always got one eye on what's in the bank.
I've lost some weight. I am on that new Obama diet. Every day I let Vladimir Putin eat my lunch.
The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That’s a long trip for Joe Biden.
Some sad news, President Bush's lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn't even know Tony Blair was sick?
I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.
If you don't have anything good to say about someone, you must be talking about Hillary Clinton.
If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't juicy.
You might be a redneck if your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.
The biggest thing I've learned is to listen to my own gut. I have learned to trust my instincts.
You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
You might be a redneck if...you've been on TV more than times describing the sound of a tornado.
You might be a redneck if you think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it.
I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives.
You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby.
Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.
Rock n' roll is at a standstill, I think - and comedy is taking its place as something exciting.
I do see your point, but to me, I'm just a mouse compared to the President of the United States.
My paintings and comedy have a lot in common. They are both improvisations based on observation.
Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.
The bullying was hideous and relentless, and we turned it round by making ourselves celebrities.
You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud, a chicken, a barrel, anything, a knothole.
I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.
I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.
I didn't really want to kill myself, it just made me feel better to know I could if I wanted to.
In the sixties and seventies you could probably name all the great comics. It was still special.
My inclination during sex always is to use sex toys. That's not something men are often used to.
One of my first jobs was on a lesbian cruise. I was the ship comedian for the Lesbian Love Boat.
One of my favourite movies is 'Annie Hall' because it's about the silver lining of the break-up.
My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.
A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
I used to say, 'We've always had integration in the South... we just want it now in the daytime.
I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved.