Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Not a lot of people know about Tunisia. Sarah Palin thinks it's the name of one of Obama's kids.
Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?!
I'm worried about a permanent Republican majority. That's what I'm worried about for the future.
I always turn to Wendy Williams when there's any type of ethical or moral crisis in our country.
Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.
I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.
I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't.
A few people know me, and the few people that do know me only know me because they dig my stuff.
She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.
Aristotle said, Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Isn't that a three-way?
What I say is stupid. Who takes a comedian seriously? I'm doing sophisticated knock-knock jokes.
Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.
My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely.
After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
I don't really read reviews and comments that much. There just isn't a lot to be gained from it.
People think that I'm some kind of genius who's got these statements to say, and I'm not really.
I like the boundaries, the kinds of conventions of a documentary and having to work within that.
I pride myself on being the guy who can do Def Comedy Jam and Charlie Rose. And do well on both.
You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.
If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.
I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.
Pound for pound, your show is the best of its kind. I'm always learning from your great content!
My whole thing is to entertain, make people laugh and to forget about the real world for awhile.
I've always been a big fan of science fiction and of the worlds of the spiritual and the mystic.
Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.
You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.
I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.
Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.
I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.
I love the fact that I have a show where you can run over a kid and everyone busts out laughing.
It isn't how much time you spend somewhere that makes it memorable: it's how you spend the time.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.
I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.
Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.
When your mother starts using the word "party" as a verb about her kid, that's absolutely crazy.
When you've got something really good, you don't have to force it on people. They will steal it!
I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it.
Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that.
I busted my bird for 60 years in the business, but my grandkids only know me as Mr. Potato Head.
I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.
Never do things for money. It's always the things you do for love that turn out to pay the best.
People who are interested in money are really uninteresting people. They look like Donald Trump.
Life is a comedy when watching and a tragedy when experiencing. I try and share anything I have.
I used to have a house in London, but couldn't face 20 more years of St John's Wood in the rain.
You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em.
I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.