Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Blasphemy: a law to protect an all-powerful, supernatural deity from getting its feelings hurt.
Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
When you get back into the editing suite in the cold light of day, the written stuff is better.
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
Anybody that you put on TV five hours a week is at some point is going to say something stupid.
You shouldn't run away from your problems, you need to aim straight for the heart of the beast.
Drugs and alcohol are not my problem, reality is my problem, drugs and alcohol are my solution.
Be who you are and I'll be who I am. I refuse to take sides, because everybody has their story.
I love making videos on my couch. You can put those on the Internet fast. I can express myself.
I'd like an old car just so I can control the windows with a handle. I hate electronic windows.
I'm a Muslim and I'm really looking forward to my wedding day. I can't wait to meet my husband.
Run towards that very thing that you fear, because there's amazing blessings on the other side.
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.
Disability doesn't make you exceptional, but questioning what you think you know about it does.
Places of incredible glamour, possibility, power, excitement and pleasure. Love your libraries!
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Saying We will destroy terrorism is about as meaningful as saying: We shall annihilate mockery.
I avoid all the language and nudity and violence and everything. I have enough of that at home.
There are a lot of young, well-educated, artistic people out there that like to be entertained.
I'm a comedian because I want people to like me. That's really why all comedians are comedians.
I haven't got a waist. I've just got a sort of place ... a bit like an unmarked level crossing.
People always think I hate doing interviews. I don't. I wouldn't do them if I didn't like them.
I don’t understand why people really get upset about something that doesn’t affect them at all.
I don't understand why people really get upset about something that doesn't affect them at all.
People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them... Well, it's killing me!
How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican.
Religion is such an important part of so many people's lives, and I don't understand it at all.
Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.
People love to hate. I have a love-hate relationship with the world. The world loves to hate me.
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
If I was a very stable person, I would not have to do comedy. Nobody would have to listen to me.
Most of my contemporaries at school entered the World of Business, the logical destiny of bores.
I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.
I'd like to see the argument made for greater worldwide federalism, not just the European Union.
If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene.
The whole city [Manchester] just a real rock music vibe. It reminded me a lot of where I'm from.
Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.
'The Cosby Show' made an impact on comedy, television and culture. We rejected lowering the bar.
Meaning isn't something we discover, it is what we bring to life, either by choice or by chance.
To influence others, we must know what is influencing them... and they must know that we get it.
I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.
The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: At some point, a pit bull does stop whining.