Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.
Laughter is much more important than applause. Applause is almost a duty. Laughter is a reward.
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
I don't want to be known just as 'Carrot Top.' I don't always want to be this crazy, goofy guy.
I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem.
I was always the guy getting kicked out of my classes at school for having an attitude problem.
My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
Growing up in the 70s and 80s, it took effort to be a nerd. You had to seek out the nerd stuff.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
It's easier to get on show business, the hard part is to maintain. Nobody stays famous forever.
People are the same wherever you go. And if they weren't, they wouldn't laugh at the same s**t.
Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.
The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.
There's huge, massive mother ships going up to the Yukon. They've been filmed and are on video.
Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?
Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.
People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.
Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.
There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair.
People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.
Survival is not so much about the body, but rather it is about the triumph of the human spirit.
Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.
I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.
I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.
It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.
At the very last moment, Nature would force you to blink your eye. Nature will protect her own.
I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.
I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.
I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.
If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.'
This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal.
The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.
The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.
Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.
Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
We're so hard on ourselves, and there's a freedom in realizing that we're our toughest critics.
I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.