Quotes by Comedian of the Authors - Page 19

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I'm grateful for any opportunity to act.

I believe engineers will save the world.

Changing the story until you believe it.

People read me but they don't subscribe.

I love advertising because I love lying.

I love the day date. No wine, no shower.

What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.

I grew up 45 minutes outside of Chicago.

I owe it all to little chocolate donuts.

Americans just don't understand dry wit.

I'm British; pessimism is my wheelhouse.

I like to do as much improv as I can do.

Probably all of my advice is bad advice.

Communism is like one big phone company.

I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

Everybody's family has different values.

I can't stay long; I'm in between meals.

I like all ladies of all different ages.

I'm not for everyone. I'm barely for me.

I just think women are funnier than men.

Art is socialism but life is capitalism.

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I'm not familiar with the metric system.

There's no such thing as reverse racism.

I get in fewer arguments when I'm alone.

Dorks are not exempt from bad behaviour.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

I always composed music as a little kid.

I believe in divine forces and energies.

Piracy doesn't kill music, boy bands do.

Humor is to get us over terrible things.

Believe it or not, I work out regularly.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

The bad-boy label is just an assumption.

I'm not a particularly ambitious person.

I love being a dad, and I'm a great dad.

My dad was the funniest guy I ever knew.

This is AIDS. AIDS is as real as an egg.

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

Between funny and witty Falls the shadow

Well, isn't it splendid & rather toffee?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

I thought I would be a guy on the radio.

I love watching birds of prey and stags.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

I am a thespian trapped in a man's body.

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