Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If I've been here a long time, I think: I must go to London and speak to someone or see a bus.
I apologize for the fact that the word ‘anti-Mexican’ is being said to a black guy in America.
I'm glad I'm a comedian. Otherwise, my life would just be a series of undocumented low points.
I'm a huge fan of stuff like 'Planet Earth' and the American sitcom 'Everybody Loves Raymond.'
You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.
If I just stuck to pot I might have found out what a drag being an aging hipster actually was.
I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.
If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.
My father painted, well into his 80s, what he called hard edge abstractions. It's really cool.
Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me.
What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you
Here's how my brain works: It's stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis.
My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!
I think things evolve into jokes. I don't generally write them down as jokes. I talk them out.
I am not racked with self-loathing. Some issues of guilt and shame, but I'm a pretty good guy.
I don't think I'm gay. I don't think I'm straight. I think I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?
My parents never really had that much money, so I kind of live in the same world that they do.
I could never make a joke about somebody unless I could say it to their face and they'd laugh.
If you really care about children then why would you want to keep families from adopting them?
There is little difference in the knowledge held by those who can't learn and those who won't.
When I left school I was full of angst, like any teenager, and I channeled it all into comedy.
You know the Middle East is going crazy when Lebanon is the most peaceful place in the region.
I am very cautious of people who are absolutely right, especially when they are vehemently so.
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".
I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.
If Edison was worried about his candle customers, he would have never invented the light bulb.
In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president.
We need conservatives that can accept gays, and then we need hippies that can shave and bathe.
What I do with impressions, I try not to be mean-spirited. To me, it's just about being silly.
There are quite a few actors in the business who are much more difficult than kids or monkeys.
It's in my blood to tour. It's in my blood to get on the road. It's in my blood to go onstage.
The Puerto Rican doctor, who wrote all his prescriptions with spray paint. Never got a dinner!
I'm convinced that Sanford and Son shows middle-class America a lot of what they need to know.
I love being chubby because chicks that smoke pot love me. They think I have food at my house.
I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.
The female characters in 'Peep Show' are not 'strong': they are idiots. As idiotic as the men.
Not since Jimmy Carr have I seen a cold computer programme on stage generate so much laughter.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
Animals, children, and the working class comprise the company in which I'll feel most at ease.
If you're a drug addict, often you're stealing - I've gotten done for shoplifting a few times.
It's really stupid to defend your own jokes. That is for other people to do if they choose to.
I think when you're 25 you're still finding yourself, and you should have the freedom of that.
I know how to write. So I am not totally at the mercy of filmmakers, but it's not a bad point.
I don't think there is a woman in her 40s who doesn't, kind of, examine herself in the mirror.
I happen to think that there are already tons of perfectly good babies out there already born.
After every single take, I laugh. It's my own awkwardness and discomfort about being an actor.