Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I get to be the first doctor in the family [because of the honorary degree they're giving me].
At the Olympics in China, every color was represented... and that was just the drinking water.
Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.
Supporting Celtic, waving a tricolour because your parents are Irish - that's a valid culture.
He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.
Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.
It's insanely difficult to ask an audience to go somewhere other than YouTube to watch videos.
Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.
My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.
A thoughtful and well-informed consideration of US government in relation to American society.
No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.
When I was born my father spent three weeks trying to find a loophole in my birth certificate.
I think we all remember where we were when Rush Hour hit the water. That was an important day.
The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?
At the Sharper Image store, I saw a body fat analyzer. Didn't that used to be called a mirror?
You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
You might be a redneck if you consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.
You might be a redneck if your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
You might be a redneck if there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
Lacroix has been fantastic. He's very nice. He gets the joke, and I think that's a good thing.
Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.
Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.
Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.
It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.
I am so excited about the 'Goosebumps' movie; I am geeking out. I was a huge fan of the books.
Faith is something that's - it's hard to articulate. It's - there's - it's not based on logic.
If someone picks up one thing you've written, you want them to go, 'Wow, this is pretty good.'
You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!
You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."
Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.
Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.
I love performing, and it allows me to be very discerning about what I choose next, thank god.
You know that things are not going well when you lose the moral high ground to a TMZ reporter.
I'm British, so obviously I repress any powerful emotions of any kind in relation to anything.
Often, when I leave the house, I dress for comfort. On my better days, I shoot for 'matching.'