Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You couldn't always trust the history books. They told a diluted truth, a truth by committee.
My grandmother was a church organist, but we only went on Easter and Christmas Eve sometimes.
What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.
I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.
A lot of people are obsessed with looking cool. They feel they have to look after their image.
I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I'd gone to Africa I would have got poached.
The Internet is a great place to find unconventional comedy that you can't find anywhere else.
The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said 'get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.
You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
George W. Bush is so pro-Mexico that if you hit him with a stick prizes would fall out of him.
The only thing I've ever stolen are hours out of people's lives with meandering conversations.
The first-ever job I had was in a play, 'Trench Kiss,' with Caroline Quentin and Arthur Smith.
Learning to read clusters is not something your eyes do naturally. It takes constant practice.
We've got too many young girls, who don't know how to parent, turning themselves into parents.
If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.
I have two questions about Arnold Schwarzenegger. What does he know, and when will he know it?
Like it or not, we're still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.
Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she's demanding that we invade 'Tsunami.'
I don't understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church.
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.
Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that?
Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.
I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.
If you really are superior, you don't go around saying you're superior - unless you're Jewish.
I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.
My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it,'
My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it.'
I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big bummer.
I'm a late-night host that doesn't want to be tied down by time or television or even hosting.
You could knock my teeth out and break my nose, and there'd be something funny about it to me.
'Weekend Update' can be presented as a full 20-minute sketch, and there's a lot of room there.
A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.
You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.
When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
Essays just aren't my thing: no matter how hard I tried, it seemed I was always a bit average.
You can become famous but you can't become unfamous. You can become infamous but not unfamous.
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching.
Hey, Cunningham - Andy Warhol called. You're at 14:55 and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi.
When I tune into my beautiful self, I get happiness. Everything in the universe belongs to me.
When you have a good mother and no father, God kind of sits in. It's not enough, but it helps.
America has the mightiest military on the planet, and they didn't get there with entertainers.
I used to get letters saying, 'I didn't know black children and white children were the same.'
You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.
The characters can't be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be character witty.
I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.