Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
It's become normal for me to walk on set as Popeye, Frankenstein or an Elf or even a chicken.
Our date-nightrule is no talking about the kids. That lasts about to the end of the driveway.
I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.
Audiences sometimes emit these weird frequencies that make you think you've weirded them out.
There's something about a podcast that feels like two people in a closet with the lights off.
You ever dip your biscuit in your tea and it breaks. I swear now, you never get used to that.
Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, It's only a nickname. Never got a dinner!
Noah's wife, who said to Noah, Don't let the elephants watch the rabbits. Never got a dinner!
There's a thin line between narcissism, even if it's a healthy narcissism, and entertainment.
I'm the guy who spends 15 minutes staring out of the window wondering what to have for lunch.
Wherever you are on Earth, there is more life present than in the rest of the known universe.
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
Be led by your talent, not by your self-loathing; those other things you just have to manage.
'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'
At no time do I come from a cynical point of view. I'm coming from a concerned point of view.
In the big picture, life has a gap in it. It just does. You don't go crazy trying to fill it.
Making my family laugh when I was little - it became an addiction. It was a kind of survival.
I'm the person who writes most of my movies so every role is exactly what I want to be doing.
Marriage can be expensive, and if I lose millions then it'll be the best millions I've spent.
I can't swim and I'm terrified of drowning, but I still love being by water - just not in it.
Hell, I am young. I am free. My teeth are clean. The sun shines. To hell with everything else
It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue.
Money and fame are trashy and don't guarantee happiness, but we all refuse really to know it.
That one can love another of the same gender, that is what the homophobe really cannot stand.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".
I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
People don't come to a comedy club simply to hear someone's thoughts, no matter how profound.
They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.
Vision - You dream the impossible; You imagine the incredible; You achieve the extraordinary.
Trouble is, I'm not a real ginger. I'm just a ginger-bearded, pale-skinned, strawberry blond.
Illnesses are often times a reflection of an emotional place that needs healing or attention.
My dad's half-Lebanese, my mom is full Lebanese. I'm three-quarters Lebanese. Irish-Lebanese.
If I don't get paid I'm going to take a whole lot of Marshall amps home with me on the plane.
Well, I started out as a musician, so when I was about 10 years old, I was already in a band.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
It doesn't matter how many times the audience has heard it before. If it's funny, it's funny.
I became a chameleon. My color didn't change. But I could change your perception of my color.
What the apartheid system was really good at doing was convincing groups to hate one another.
In America, there is no racial segregation. I'm not sure I'm quite familiar with this phrase.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.
If you're passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too.
Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.
[The original Sister Act] is running all over the world now, on-stage as a musical. It lives!