Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Enron is now officially out of the energy business. They are now in a new business: confetti.
If you think 'loading the dishwasher' means 'getting your wife drunk', you might be a redneck
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
You might be a redneck if your vehicle has a two-tone paint job - primer red and primer gray.
I actually had a chance to be in Delta Farce, but I couldn't do it because I read the script.
Sacrificing myself to kill Hilary Clinton was the best thing I could possibly do for humanity
You might be a redneck if your 'huntin dog' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
There's something funny about being on a big stage and not making a big effort to fill it up.
People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.
Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think.
You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.
You have to have talent. You have to get the audition and then you have to nail the audition.
Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. 'Get up early, work late - and strike oil.'
I watch one news channel until my soul can't take it anymore. It's the background of my life.
Laughter takes the tyranny of the lies we are told and told and told and it blows them apart.
When my brother-in-law, BIll Clinton, was elected, he had gay friends. That was a coming out.
Posh people blow my mind. Apart from empathy, they're good at everything - true survivalists.
One of my favourite things about living in the U.K. is having that chance to go to festivals.
Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.
America is a bunch o' bullies. Tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.
Paint yourself into a corner so that you don't have any other option but to continue forward.
The entire New York comedy scene has moved to L.A. - it's bled the New York comedy scene dry.
If I get busted in New York, the freest city in the world, that will be the end of my career.
I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.
I'm a 7 o'clock act. My people want to go to a show, a dinner and then go home and go to bed.
Maybe I wanted to hear it so badly that my ears betrayed my mind in order to secure my heart.
I think it is really sad that when people lose their homes they kind of lose their minds too.
Sometimes the only way to deal with horrific things in life is through a dark sense of humor.
Your stereotypical L.A. Persian kids were not working at Sbarro pizza in the mall, but I was.
I hope you die.... P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse.
That's been my fear all along. That I'm not enough, and I still don't trust at all that I am.
I'm a survivor of life. I try to give the glory to God and appreciate what's happening to me.
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.
If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.
The vanity of being asked advice often makes us confirm the opinion of those that consult us.
The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise.
I've always been very averse to innuendo, especially sexual. I find it cowardly or something.
I don't know anything about politics. I wouldn't put too much into my prediction on politics.
But I'm the sort of person who, if certain structures topple, it could all go horribly wrong.
I didn't get into entertainment until I was like 31. I didn't star in a movie until I was 46.