Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Even though I'm proud by dad invented the rear-view mirror, we're not as close as we appear.
I am an appalling softie. But somehow, somewhere along the line, I've learnt how to hide it.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
I haven't got a waist. I've just got a sort of place, a bit like an unmarked level crossing.
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
And then also I think it's harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike.
When I'm not on T.V. or working on a movie, I'm on the road doing stand-up. That's my roots.
Facebook: What's on your mind? ..Twitter: What's happening? Myspace: Where did everybody go?
Enjoy the little fun things - like taking your kids to school - before they're all grown up.
I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter.
Friendship is tested in the thick years of success rather than in the thin years of struggle.
Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.
It’s been a dream to work with Netflix because they don’t have any pressure from advertisers.
I was certified to take x-rays, but you can't just show up and start cleaning people's teeth.
I just do my act. If people in England don't get my joke I make fun of myself for telling it.
Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.
The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.
George Booth and I are both funny, and from afar, without meeting, admired each other's work.
If you want to change your life, you must change your mind and change your brain? on purpose.
A Christian will say... "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.
Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.
I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.
Only a Bush could answer a 'yes' or 'no' question two different ways and be wrong both times.
But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?
'Billy on the Street' is a very exhausting show to do, as you can imagine, but it's worth it.
Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the Presidency.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me.
We're on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It's a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf.
I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a sand trap. For that I have a caddie.
Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.
I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.
I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.
I've dated many women at the same time. But I told them. I didn't keep any secrets from them.
As a kid, I always wanted to be Carol Burnett or Johnny Carson. I love to chat and entertain.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.
When you interview celebrities, they're so guarded so many times, they can't reveal anything.
We're the only species that listens to Michael Bublé when we have sex. That's gotta be wrong.
Any nerd who grew up around the time that I did, BBC programming was a treasure chest for us.
Nerdists, unlike nerds, tend to be creators as much as consumers. They're creative consumers.
I'll go with the guy with one house. The guy with one house is scared about losing his house.
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.
Geez, all that money we waste on space exploration; just think how many bombs that would buy!
And, I believe that if a man dies with a single penny still sitting in the bank, he's a fool.
After I won the Tony Award, the film floodgates opened, so I was like a kid in a candy store.
I come from 'black-box' theater, where basically, you make your own adventure out of nothing.
There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.
The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.