Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you go on stage with an agenda, you have to accept not everyone's going to agree with it.
It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.
The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.
Marijuana should be licensed and kept out of the hands of teenagers. It's too good for them.
George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.
Even if you're popular, there are times when you just feel like you're not a part of things.
I grew up in such a featureless, personality-less suburb. There was nothing to push against.
How has podcasting changed things? A lot of people ask me if I feel I should be more famous.
If your hair is relaxed, white people are relaxed. If your hair is nappy, they're not happy.
I read a lot of history. The passive Jews in Germany didn't survive. The smart ones got out.
People don't want to hear the truth; they never do. They wanna live in some kind of fantasy.
I think we need a 12-step group for non-stop talkers. We're going to call it On and On Anon.
I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.
I used to work at The International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen.
Comedy wasn't something I chose - it chose me. I was just inherently funny when I was a kid.
Audiences want comedy that has no venom. They want to have a laugh without it becoming twee.
The fact that I have had so much time to be a dad and to be around my children is brilliant.
Julius Caesar's wife, who said to Julius, We are not naming our son Sid! Never got a dinner!
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.
The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
Homeopaths do not have a physical brain, but merely 'skull water' with the memory of brains.
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
We definitely have a Wii U. It gets pulled out whenever there's a new great game coming out.
If you fall in love with someone gay and you're the opposite gender, it's not going to work.
How come every other organ in your body can get sick and you get sympathy, except the brain?
Nannies love working in our house because they never know who's gonna walk through the door.
Thus another friendship was dashed on the cruel rocks amid the storm of my self-destruction.
The way I've been with drink and drugs suggests I have a tendency to get addicted to things.
I just couldn't do a comedy show about 'The History Of Dinosaurs;' I'd get bored too easily.
I'll sit down for 'Stranger Things' or 'The Handmaid's Tale' - or a really good documentary.
I want to show people that there's a side of myself other than just the outrageous comedian.
You have to plan a lot and you have to be really smart about how you're spending your money.
When it came to, like, appropriate behavior towards one another, it was - I was well-versed.
The good thing about L.A. is that there's always someone more famous 100 yards away from me.
If you only ever read one book in your life ... I highly recommend you keep your mouth shut.
General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.
I used to think of myself in terms of who I'd be if I didn't have this pesky old disability.
There is no right language or wrong language any more than there are right or wrong clothes.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.