Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The East is very mysterious to Westerners. Even post-Cold War, it's still an unknown entity.
I have used that song ["50ft Queenie"] and I'm a big PJ Harvey fan. I think she's fantastic.
Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!
Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.
And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.
If you get too well-known in comedy, I do believe it blocks people from taking you in drama.
Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
It's better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don't find success right away.
The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it
If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
I was so keen to become a comedian that actually doing the comedy itself almost came second.
I want to write a film. I need to think of the right idea and focus on that; I love writing.
The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump.
They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years.
When you work with your hands, you learn to appreciate how easy it is to earn money talking.
It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy.
106 [degrees] in the valley... I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents.
If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.
You might be a redneck if during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You might be a redneck if you think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just misunderstood.
You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.
As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.
I definitely had an AOL account when I was 14, but I don't remember what my screen name was.
Don't get caught up in other people's expectations. Don't take anything for granted, either.
When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.
There are different parts of us. You want to feel safe but you want to also feel challenged.
I like to stay in a hotel where it's a dome of silence. I can sit in my room and do nothing.
I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.
I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.
Mystery Science Theater is really a postmodern show, it's really derived of many influences.
Gypsy was the name my brother gave a pet turtle he had. I always thought it was so peculiar.
I don't think the NFL had the slightest intention of taking me, except as maybe a water boy.
Acting is what I'd always wanted to do; hosting 'The Soup' was more because of Greg Kinnear.
My dad's Irish, so I was visiting Ireland a lot as a kid, so it's not totally foreign to me.
Jeremy Corbyn confuses the public because he looks like a librarian and enjoys baking bread.
I don't really write jokes. I wait for stuff to happen in life, and then I tell it on stage.
You don't become a fully-formed human as a female, or even a male, until you're at least 30.
I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.
I watch a lot of sports. But when I'm not working, I'm with my daughters every chance I get.
When you actually meet the devil and he offers you a deal most artists eventually negotiate.