Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My definition of love is: Being willing to die for someone, that you yourself want to kill.
My family is Jewish, Buddhist, Baptist and Catholic. I don't believe in man-made religions.
Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.
If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
I don't really write jokes down. I tend to have a premise that I work out and test on stage.
From the stage I've seen people of all ages absolutely roaring at really good toilet humour.
I like real girls. When they're in bed with you, it's not a show. They just want to do that.
I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.
I came out to L.A. in '78 to be a musician. I didn't get into comedy until the mid-Eighties.
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
Where I come from people are very deadpan with a dry humour that I suppose rubbed off on me.
I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.
The devil's in the detail and sometimes if you're thinking too big, you can miss the detail.
Ric Flair was so big I heard about him. I've read his autobiography and all that. He's huge.
For aspiring comedians? Don't listen to me. Just go on stage and do what you think is funny.
In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.
You can never give complete authority and overall power to anyone until trust can be proven.
If I didn't like poor people, why would I come and tell them how to make their lives better?
The problem with lethargy is that doing nothing validates the fear that nothing can be done.
When people feel criticized, they almost always defend the behavior you want them to change.
You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring.
I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
I am Jewish, but I love Christmas, as most Jews with any taste do, because Hanukkah is lame.
I enjoy stand up so much because I take time off, and then I'll be excited to go back to it.
My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.
I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.
There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.
My acting's very understated. I think my sad and happy don't play that differently onscreen.
Honestly, so much of my book is about the best things in my life have happened since I'm 40.
I like the minute when I can get off the stage and go home, and I know I've done a good job.
There's times where you think, 'Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?'
We never could have performed live for an hour and a half every week if we were doing drugs.
You can't fake comedy - it's not like a movie, where a director can just cast a pretty face.
A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.
American Society for Psychical Research Journals were all around the house when I was a kid.
The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.
I'm not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That's my range.
I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?
I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.
Companionate Conservatism - Making the streets safer before people are kicked out onto them.
Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.
I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.
Why are black folks singing Amazing Grace which is a song about a white slaver's conversion?
Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.