Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.
I'd like to be remembered as good person and as one of the best comedians of my generation.
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
My perspective on my mother has changed immensely. She was a lot taller when I was younger.
I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.
You know, I've had Botox. The woman who does it is very good, obviously. Very conservative.
Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street
Form 1040 was chosen by the IRS because for every $50 you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.
You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't.
You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
There's only one thing that separates us from animals: We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
It [sex-ed] was such a slow rollout for me. I just didn't know what the hell was happening.
I rarely have out-of-town visitors because you have to do things like take them around L.A.
Interviews are vital, but you cannot allow an interviewer to take your life and disturb it.
You think about getting old, but when you get there, it's not what you thought it would be.
I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.
Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex.
If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.
I like to try anything... You have to do the experiments to find out what the formulas are.
I haven't made art about Israel. There's a covert subtext of Jewish identity in my artwork.
I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.
What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?
Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!
Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
Beanie and Cecil was the first cartoon I remember watching and I think there are analogies.
Veterans' issues are quite close to my heart. I find it quite hard to talk about, actually.
I like comedy that's very specific and isn't afraid to lose people through its specificity.
There are lots of comic bosses and fathers in sitcoms, but the comic landlord remains rare.
I've found a more personal, pagan kind of religion to satisfy the spiritual side of things.
I thought they were staring at me because I was gay. But it was because I was on the telly.
So few people voted in the elections [of 1996] that the ones who did were called activists.
In Canada, we just have rich and poor, but we don't constantly remind poor people about it.
I feel like I'm always on the right side of wrong and trying to shout out for the underdog.
What you end up with is outrageousness without the laugh - comedy as electro shock therapy.
Anyone who does anything for pleasure to indulge his selfish soul will surely burn in Hell.
My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.
I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.
We need the children of Indonesia and the Philippines to manufacture our freedom of choice.
I really love Steve Martin and all the stuff he did in the '70s. I think it's really great.
It's not a great song unless it makes your DNA remember Eden and your spirit long for Home.
I don't think London has been given enough credit in a lot of the movies that we make here.
You can't get a suit of armour and a rubber chicken just like that. You have to plan ahead.
People say the most stupid things on the spur of the moment that they then have to retract.
The trouble with travelling back later on is that you can never repeat the same experience.
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.