Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I always say to my religious friends, if a pool had even one turd in it, would you jump in?
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.
I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.
Some people look at creamed corn and ask, 'Why?' I look at creamed corn and ask, 'Why not?'
Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guys's out there dancing.
I've always believed that it's important to give something back to the world and community.
A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have.
How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman... and I think I may have liked it.
I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.
The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
I'm not going to blow up just for the sake of it, because it's on TV. That's not the issue.
I just went into this business for laughs. I guess I don't mind being an actor so much now.
If you're in the White House, it's your house, and you can invite whatever friend you want.
Jokes that make me laugh out loud when I write them almost always bomb. I have no idea why.
I'm not fun to bowl with. I take it way too seriously. I have high expectations for myself.
You don't pay taxes; they take them from your check. That's not a payment - that's a 'jack.
Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"
I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.
The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.
When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.
All you can do in this life is follow your dreams. Otherwise you're just wasting your time.
I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.
Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester.
I was in World War II; I cried when they took me in the Navy. That's the last time I cried.
Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!
If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel.
Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.
I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.
I've had all that you could ask for. The fat lady has sung, and there's a standing ovation.
I've never felt any sense of kinship with other comedians; they've always seemed too needy.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.
I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.
First of all, I'm not the kind of guy that likes to rehash the show and so forth and so on.
I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
I don't vote. We're led to believe we're free through the exercise of ineffective freedoms.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
Dressing up as decrepit old ladies, and even decrepit young ladies, was one of our staples.
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!