Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm lucky because I intentionally keep my overhead low, and so I can say, "No, thank you."
I just look like a transvestite when I try to dress up. There's no place to hide my balls.
I always look at myself knowing that I will have a certain degree of cognitive distortion.
Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts.
Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.
I am shocked and slightly perturbed by his exuberance and quick wit. Knock Knock Channel 4
I spent a large part of my 20s and 30s living in different places, including tower blocks.
I always ask for fresh coffee because instant doesn't give you the caffeine buzz you need.
I'm not the most in-tune guy with what is getting nominated and winning awards in general.
As much experience, education and awareness as one can attain is important for a comedian.
The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance.
Paralympic sport and other disability sport can and should be celebrated in its own right.
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
I don't think lesbians should be allowed to use dildos, afterall they've made their choice
We all belong to a tribe. You might be a religious or a family person - that's your tribe.
I read a lot when I was at college, but really, only a few of Dickens's books work for me.
There is nothing funny about a well-adjusted, intelligent person making the right choices.
Marijuana grows everywhere in the world. And it really is currency, if you think about it.
I am off all the cancer meds. Energy is a bit low but other than that, I feel really good.
Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats.
How nice. Now the Germans can sleep in peace, knowing that they will not be invaded by us.
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.
I used to write jokes with friends. We'd pick a topic and then think out loud, brainstorm.
Just figuring it out for 30 years - 30 years... I think I'm ready now to expand - to grow.
A fashion plate, a rock star in his own mind, Megamind is more showman than deadly menace.
I used to be an insult comic, and I didn't end up liking the way that I felt about myself.
Most of my work is comedy; it's meant to inspire empathy in people and help them find joy.
I realized that I was a really, really terrible actor. I was like, "I'd better be myself."
Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.
The principle that light can be in two places at the same time is absolutely extraordinary.
If someone starts agreeing with me, I don't like it. Out of pique, I become something else.
I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.
Three women walk into a pub and say, `Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format'
Once you do a joke and it works it's only good for so long, like shooting fish in a barrel.
My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.
I want all this loud profanity in the street stopped. I want people to think about choices.
It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.
Serenity is not just an escape, but a precursor to acceptance, courage, wisdom, and change.
It's not simply what we feel, but what we feed, that determines what we do and how we live.
The most successful form of correction is when the "other" feels informed versus chastised.
I can't count the number of times I've been sound asleep, woke up, and I was doing my hair.
I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.
I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.
Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy.
Republicans are taking the defeat over Health Care as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage.
I love the Tea Party. They are the ultimate beer goggles. They make everything look better.