Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed.
Luck is opportunity meeting up with preparation. So you must prepare yourself to be lucky.
I can sit all day in a comfortable chair and watch ball games, but I don't need a blanket.
Half the battle is that people have to like you before you say one joke, one bit of humor.
If you're a performer, people tend to be quite positive about you or they have no opinion.
Gratitude is looking on the brighter side of the life, even if it means hurting your eyes.
Reading Alan Zweibel makes me laugh out loud. And yet it is not a particularly funny name.
I don't invest in the stock market, but I have pension funds - some in America and the UK.
We took the whole thing far too seriously. After all, those were early days in television.
In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
Jews were asked when life begins. For them it's when they finally graduate medical school.
ESPN takes itself very seriously, but for some reason, I'm allowed to be the court jester.
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't.
The truth is, Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated.
As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.
If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.
... I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Suddenly I had to spend all my time getting well.
Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me.
Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one.
Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
I think the solution to making this world better is if we would just be healthy, mentally.
I've spent more time in Las Vegas than any other city, almost including L.A. where I live.
When all my girlfriends were watching 'ER,' I was watching episodes of 'Kids in the Hall.'
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
Sometimes the feeling that life is great just swells up inside you and fills you with joy.
It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.
I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.
Do you realize that the Bush administration has now produced more gay marriages than jobs?
If Jay spent as much time studying as he does trying to be a comedian, he'd be a big star.
Howard Dean dropped out of the race today. At least he can't claim his voice wasn't heard.
They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.
You might be a redneck if the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
You might be a redneck if you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
It seems like movies that have heart to them always do well, and they find their audience.
You might be a redneck if you have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You might be a redneck if you saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
You might be a redneck if you have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
I don't like news channels so I have six websites that I check and I get the daily update.
I'm shocked to be saying this, but as a child, I never went to a circus. It cost too much.
I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.
Trevor Noah is a great, relevant young comic, and Comedy Central is smart to stand by him.