Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you have something important to say, Broadway and New York are great places to say it.
New Yorkers - the people are so honest. If you're sucking on stage, they'll let you know.
The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.
I think the best comedy enlightens, informs, and changes the way people look at the world.
My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.
Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
Jesse Ventura took American politics and raised it to the level of professional wrestling.
I've never looked at my Facebook page or my website, because I'm fundamentally an amateur.
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!
There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
I don't think any comic could say there isn't a bit of them that doesn't want to show off.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
One key to creating a meaningful life, is choosing what we want to feel, and for how long.
I never thought I'd say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.
So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies.
Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.
I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.
I never thought I'd say this: what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.
When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.
You have to have a sense of humor about all of it - the Emmys and politics and everything.
There's a certain line between jokes and music and poetry that's a bit blurred in my mind.
I misdirect the audience, so they have no idea where they are or who they're listening to.
You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.
I have this terrific make-up man. But he's expensive. I have to bring him in from Lourdes.
I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons.
If he slices the budget like he slices a golf ball, the nation has nothing to worry about.
I have a couple of jokes that are politically oriented, but it just sickens me to do them.
I don't mind being called a hairy, humourless lesbian because that is what I aspire to be.
I am terribly shy, but of course no one believes me. Come to think of it, neither would I.
Marriage is very difficult. Marriage is like a five-thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle, all sky.
Don't tell television, but there is some superior programming being made on the Interwebz.
Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.
My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.
What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.
I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.
Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.
If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher.
I'm famous today. People like me today. Might not like me tomorrow. You can't count on it.
I don't believe in paying for sex. Which is why I'll never again pay for a woman's dinner.
It was impossible to sleep. Anxiety stopped me from falling asleep; depression woke me up.
Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.
To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.