Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution... looking for a loophole.
You know what I want you to do? I want you to blow out the candle and curse the darkness.
If you just want money and tax cuts and stuff, fine - just stop acting like you're moral.
I was always thinking the funny things but was always quiet and scared to be made fun of.
Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.
In opposition to sex education: Let the kids today learn it where we did - in the gutter.
I don't like awards ceremonies. I'd sooner go to the pub with mates I've known for years.
She kind of reminds one of Helen. There's something very similar about Elizabeth Perkins.
The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community.
People often ask what I think of Michael McIntyre. I think he's funny. He's a nice bloke.
Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic person and say, Who do you think you are?
Dolly Parton, who said to her doctor, Are you sure it's a chest cold? Never got a dinner!
Alex Hailey, who traced his roots all the way to the back of the bus. Never got a dinner!
The Mayor of Hong Kong, who said Can't work today. Have American flu. Never got a dinner!
Long John Silver's wife, Short, who said to John, If the shoe fits... Never got a dinner!
Opinions don't affect facts. But facts should affect opinions, and do, if you're rational
When I see a headline 'Guess who's going out with who?' I don't guess, and I don't click.
I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
We continue to be spilled on by consumerism even though we know it doesn't make us happy.
Britain is perceived as a laughing stock and a mess. It's a very scary and divided place.
My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
Those who rule the world get so little opportunity to run about and laugh and play in it.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.
The only time I am not talking is when I am dancing. I look like an electrocuted octopus.
I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.
Not that that's the goal, but sometimes these funny insights can also be deeply profound.
Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
I once buggered a man unconscious. I'm lying, he was already unconscious when I found him
Unfortunately, the American justice system is just riddled with lies and inconsistencies.
Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
It's the reason the United States fell into the Patriot Act - because they were reacting.
I wouldn't kidnap a man for sex - I'm not saying I couldn't use someone to oil the mower.
If God had meant them to be lifted and separated, He would have put one on each shoulder.
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.
I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.
I still regret that I never played soccer in high school. I chose basketball over soccer.
In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!