Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
As ridiculous as I think the fashion and beauty industry is, I'm wildly obsessed with it.
We come from nothing, we are going back to nothing-In the end what have we lost? Nothing!
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
I hope people think of me as a bit older. I do have a beard. That makes me look very old.
Ringo isn't the best drummer in the world. He isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles.
Show business is like Champagne. You'll appreciate it more if you don't drink it everyday
They say if the warming trend continues, by 2015 Hillary Clinton might actually thaw out.
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.
You might be a redneck if your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You might be a redneck if you need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
I never thought I would do a game show, but now I guess I'm now officially in that genre.
Why do I want to be challenged or have challenges? That's why I don't go climb mountains.
I'm still hibernating so I get really frustrated with other people's goals and just stop.
I prefer highs and lows to an even keel. Moderation is never something I've been good at.
I don't ordinarily do television because I don't like some of the things projected on it.
Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
It's really easy to be funny. You get a lot of funny people in a room, the show is funny.
I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.
I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.
It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes.
Apparently, I said what a lot of people are thinking and a lot of people have thanked me.
I'm lucky that I don't have any big regrets. Maybe that undercut hairstyle from my youth.
I shrunk my favourite jeans in my first week of university. I'd never done a wash before.
I'm not sure how aware of the rest of the world I am. I live a rather sheltered existence
I live in a kind of gay bubble. I live in a gay house, I drive a gay car. I eat gay food.
If you're struggling for gift ideas, my advice is to give experiences rather than things.
So much of existence is so boring. To have little moments of stupidity is always welcome.
Straight girls like me. They flirt with me to get whatever they want. Of course it works.
Telling lies is the easy bit, but telling the truth and pretending you are lying is hard.
Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'
When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.
I have added a lot. There's some Vegas stuff and hotel stuff and a whole chunk on health.
I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.
Most of my comedy writing happens through improvisation on stage; doing it in the moment.
If I'm talking to a guy who's straight and cute and single, I'm like 'are you a unicorn?'
I was like, Am I gay? Am I straight? And I realized...I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?
I thought I was so ugly for so long, and I wasted so much of my life on this dumb notion.
We women are constantly at war with our bodies, it is hard to find amnesty for ourselves.
I don't want to hurt anybody because of their looks. That's been used to hurt me so much.
I'm always too fat. And I always look terrible. But I love the theater of the red carpet.
God spreads grace like a 4-year old spreads peanut butter-He gets it all over everything.
I think this [Gnomeo & Juliet] is the closest I ought to get to Shakespeare to be honest.
I don't know nothing about no marriages or nothing. I ain't even never been to a wedding.