Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I don't mind causing offence when I intend to, but I don't like causing it accidentally.
Bluster - it fortifies me against the outside world. Take away the words, and I am lost.
Like once we picked Jim Norton as the head of security, the writing flows pretty easily.
Do not always assume the other fellow has intelligence equal to yours. He may have more.
Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
Hope is the belief we might get it done, and faith is the knowledge we will get it done.
Well, I had an after hours club in Vancouver and when any of the Motown acts would call.
It's both funny and sad which seem to me to be the two basic ingredients of good comedy.
Donald Trump does not take criticism well, nor does he appreciate reporting on his life.
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.
If there wasn't something called acting, they would probably hospitalize people like me.
I just Fell Down the Stairs Holding a Guitar and Accidentally Wrote a One Direction Song
When I was five years old, I auditioned for the role of 'Tiny Tim in A Christmas Carol.'
A funny thing is that you can't search me on Twitter because Adam Levine dominates there.
Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?
Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.
Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One's called It's Getting Muggy In Here.
I will say that I wasn't susceptible to Tony Robbins-like pitches, even as a younger man.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.
I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.
I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.
Films and gaming are blurring together, and it makes for brilliant popcorn entertainment.
Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich?
I think it's a privilege to be able to fly to somewhere where people want to see my show.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.
With my wife Camille's help, I took to social networking. I'm working with the computers.
College was a wonderful time - except, of course, when it was trying to teach you things.
I am not going to give in to people who try to exploit me because of my celebrity status.
And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
I'm tired of this back-slappin' "isn't humanity neat" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes.
Marijuana: a drug that kills … no one – and let's put it in a time frame – ever. Illegal.
I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America. [salutes]
Tea Party has now cost the Republicans 5 senate seats. My next donation is going to them.
All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.
People are either good or they're not. Religion doesn't make anybody good, I don't think.
If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.
I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
I think I wear my hypocrisy on my sleeve. I would never say I'm not a complete hypocrite.
I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
I'm such a damn workaholic, that it's interesting to be like, "Oh, what do I do for fun?"
Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.
I guess I feel like somebody flipped a switch, and the whole world is in Technicolor now.