Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.
He has that uncanny ability to be dangerous and pull the public in [on Michael Barrymore
People used to call me names, so my mom had this beautiful African lady come talk to me.
Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.
I'm not sure I'm okay with 2 guys gettin' married, but I don't wanna be a jerk about it.
This tornado is in Oklahoma so clearly it has been ordered to only target conservatives.
I just love learning. I think learning is how you live. The verb of my life is learning.
A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.
There's lot of social censorship now, especially in this era of ubiquitous social media.
The thing about narcissistic people is that they don't think they're being narcissistic.
I love pizza. I want to marry it, but it would just be to eat her family at the wedding.
When I moved to New York, I was wide-eyed. I was nice to everyone, which comedians hate.
I left Indiana, and I ain't been back since. I've been doing comedy and paying my bills.
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
Too much comedy today is vulgar, not clever. I say that as a comedian and as a consumer.
All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
Why should old people get [Social Security]? They just sit around all day doing nothing.
What's so great about the truth? Try lying for a change, it's the currency of the world.
Outsiders develop humor as a defense; why do you think most comedians are gay or Jewish?
I am quite happy to take a cut. You've got to, if you want to work and continue working.
I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
There's no great secret or plan, I just think I'm funny and I want to make people laugh.
I'm not PC all the time in my phrasing, because that meets a wall; people won't hear it.
Aladdin, who said to his wife, I know it's not a lamp, keep rubbing! Never got a dinner!
J. Paul Getty, who still hasn't been buried - they keep finding oil! Never got a dinner!
I'm not a terribly social person, and so I have to really like people to work with them.
I'm very lucky, because my beat is current events. And events are changing all the time.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
My first proper kiss was from Cara Shucksmith when I was 13 or 14 at her birthday party.
I was in the play 'Fat Pig in the West End,' which is a comedy but has dramatic moments.
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
We all have enemies, but my enemies would probably describe me as surprisingly ruthless.
You ever been on a date so bad, the girl makes you drop her off at another dude's house?
Tumbling into a dark, Lewis Carroll labyrinth of filth, pursuing a white rabbit of smut!
There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.
My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!
John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.
Not everybody is cookie-cutter. You just can't be. There are too many variables in life.
I make terrible jokes every time I go into a hospital. I think it's a defence mechanism.
I am diagnosed with not having enough insanely-addictive drugs coursing through my body.
I'd rather have a girl exposed to me than 25 women in prom dresses vying for a stranger.
The thing about living with any disability is that you adapt; you do what works for you.
All the big words -virtue, justice, truth, ...- are dwarfed by the greatness of kindness
When you've seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.