Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.
For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.
Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?
We use only 10% of our brains... Imagine how smart we would be if we used the other 60%!
I'm not really a celebrity; I'm just vestigially left over from doing stuff from before.
Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles... because I didn't know.
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
Creationists have often made me doubt evolution, but probably not in the way they think.
I happen to dig being able to use whatever mystique I have to further the idea of peace.
There's a good chance that if you're talking to me when I'm snoring, it means I'm bored.
I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.
The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.
It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.
Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.
I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.
I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
I think people have to understand that 'empowering' for women doesn't mean negating men.
Getting on stage and screaming at all Republicans does nothing more than isolate people.
A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
I'm not really part of any group or clique or gang because that's always been my nature.
Ringo isn't the best drummer in the world. He isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles
The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.
The Kinsey Institute says gay men have bigger sex organs. Hence the origin of gay pride.
When the correct technique feels wrong, different and confusing there is change and grow
You might be a redneck if the antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
You might be a redneck if you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.
That never stops. That's what drives you: the joy and excitement of doing what you love.
Scientists have discovered a food that reduces a woman's sex drive by 99%. Wedding cake.
No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.
Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?
Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.
I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior.
Every empire has to get sucked down the drain. As a British person, I know how it feels.
I like small parties with people I know. I like eating pizza at home with my girlfriend.
I don't paint every day. I'm not that motivated. I don't do anything the same every day.
I love a Dustbuster. You go around, pick up little crumbs, and everything is nice again.
I live in a kind of gay bubble. I live in a gay house, I drive a gay car. I eat gay food
I'm so sick of gay this, gay that. I could care less. It ain't affecting my life at all.